Girls’ Lower Mainland

Six ways the Engineering Cairn is just like you!

Sometimes, we put our role models on pedestals. Other times, our role models are pedestals! We caught up with one of UBC’s most iconic and widely-emulated figures, the Engineering Cairn, to dispel some common myths.

You might not believe it, but it turns out the Cairn is just like you!

Illustration of the engineering 'E' cairn in class surrounded by students

You both skip class!

Yes, you heard correctly: even the embodiment of the engineering department doesn’t make it to every class. Apparently, “being a rock” makes it “hard to move,” due to highly controversial and alleged issues like not having feet, legs, muscles, a body or a consciousness. So don’t feel so bad next time you have to take a mental health day!

You don’t do homework!

Getting your work in on time is a major drag. The Engineering Cairn agrees! Strictly speaking, the Cairn hasn’t been enrolled in any classes for 20 years, but UBC Engineering assures us it’s still auditing a concerning number of classes on masonry. In flagrant violation of student privacy rules, they also told us the Cairn hasn’t submitted any homework since 1992. “…” the Cairn said, because it’s a cairn.

People keep trying to deface you with suspect graffiti!

Are you subject to a continuous onslaught of indie street artists and student engagement committee members battling over who’s going to paint their club logo or mediocre event advertisement all over your face next? #TFW. Just like you, people constantly walk up to the Engineering Cairn to paint things on it that reflect the local zeitgeist! Also just like you, the Cairn has little choice in the matter. What? You’re not getting spray-painted by random, overzealous passersby? Well, maybe you aren’t popular enough to be reading this magazine.

You are an eight-foot-tall three-sided structure made from concrete and rebar!

So relatable!

You don’t sleep!

Booked and busy, the Engineering Cairn rarely gets any sleep — from endlessly sitting on Main Mall to being the heart, soul and sole representative of any semblance of campus culture, this cairn is up all night because carrying UBC on its back is a job that never stops. When’s the last time you got sleep, anyway? Last week? Last year?

You feel nothing!

Both of you are totally unfeeling monoliths, standing there vacantly as the world passes you by. Some may ascribe a personality to you, but logical people realize there’s nothing but emptiness inside… No, don’t feel bad. Why would you feel sorry for a rock? It’s not like it has feelings. It’s just another inanimate object, existing aimlessly in this vast and unforgiving void, a thoughtless entity to be totally ignored by all. Friendless. Loveless. Lifeless.

Just like you!

Heck, you might as well head on over to Main Mall and become the next campus craze. You never know! It’s probably a better use of time than whatever you’re doing right now. Just sit on the cold grass, let your body slowly petrify and feel all your worries slip away.

“Anything boys can do, girls can do better.”

This is the first thing Mack Wardhat said to me, totally unprompted. No ‘hello,’ no ‘how are you’ — right down to pure, powerful girlbossery.

We at Girls’ Lower Mainland caught up with Wardhat, the first girl at UBC ever documented to become a full-fledged member of a historically all-men fraternity, to learn about her women-in-frat advocacy and career journey.

Girl with backwards hat drinking beer from the bottom of the can

Why did you choose to pursue a future in the field of frat girling?

Our modern-day world is all about supply and demand. See a gap? Fill it. See a problem? Solve it. See an industry craving the presence of a strong woman? Be the strong woman. Be the change you want to see in the world. That’s basic economics.

Have frats always been your area of interest?

Growing up, I was told that “I can do anything boys can do” but I soon realized society was feeding me feminist fluff — they had no evidence to back up their claims that I was truly an “equal.” They encouraged me to pursue science, math and technology, but I soon realized there was a field that remained untapped by girls just like me: pure and unfettered delinquency. Sure, if I wanted to join a coding camp, they said “Go women in historically male-dominated fields!” But when I, at 15, decided my true passion was beating the Guiness World Record for longest keg stand, I was an “underachiever” who wasn’t “meeting my full potential.”

How did that make you feel?

Really fucking bad, Girls’ Lower Mainland. Everyone overlooked me. Nobody saw value in my ability to shotgun a Bud in under 1.912 seconds. They didn’t want to know me. They didn’t want to love me for who I am. They didn’t want to see the frat beneath the girl.

I am so sorry you encountered so many obstacles in your fraterni-journey. Can you tell me about your entrance into the frat world? How did you get started?

I knew it wouldn’t be easy for a girl like me to catch the eye of popular frats. Let’s face it: I’m 5’1”, I have zero experience in owning only one pillow and I don’t play beer pong more than four times a week. I knew I would have to work hard — that the frat girl within would have to truly shine. It was arduous. Gruelling. I trained day and night — mostly night because a true frat girl sleeps in until at least 12:38 p.m. no matter what. Belching, benching and bro-ing, I prepared myself for the most important time in a frat sibling’s life: rush.

I plotted and schemed — should I pull a full Mulan? Should I “be myself?” No, my dear naïve friends… The answer appeared to me in a vape-headrush-induced daze: I networked. Every frat boy has been training in the art of networking since his first breath. Most frat boys actually shake the hand of the very doctor that cuts their umbilical cord; they create LinkedIn accounts before their birth certificates are even signed. You might think there’s no hope — how could you possibly catch up? Girls, if you’re feeling discouraged, I am telling you: Do not give up!

When I sent 14,092.5 LinkedIn requests in one day, I didn’t fear rejection. I embraced it. I let it slap me across the face again and again, like those videos of 20-something-year-old men crushing beer cans on their heads. The frat girl mentality is about never backing down. Weave a network so rich, so full, so sticky and connectionally voluptuous that these frat boys cannot help but get caught up in your web.

Thank you for the tips. When did you first feel like you “made it” in the frat scene?

I first felt like I made it in my second semester in Beta Sigma Psi (affectionately known as ‘Siggy P’). It was the end of the night, and suddenly, the DJ passed me the mic. I thought, ‘This is my moment,’ so I quickly flipped my baseball cap backwards and ripped the sleeves off my T-shirt in one swift motion. I cleared my throat, and uttered the most fulfilling words I have ever spoken. The crowd looked on. They finally saw me.

“If you’re not a brother or fucking a brother get the fuck out!” And as those words left my lips, I knew I was frat, and frat was me.

That’s so powerful. What do you have to say to other girls practicing their beer pong skills alone in their room, hoping that one day they too can be in a frat, like you?

Keep sinking those shots and keep your head up — I’ve paved the way for you now. Be grateful. Respect your elders. Pay homage to the fratgirl blueprint (me). Know that anything you can do, anywhere you get in this world, is because of the hard work I put in.

I accept monetary “thank-yous” via e-transfer to fratty.b.girl@gmail.com.

HELLO. YOU HAVE 3 DAYS TO FORWARD THIS TO FIVE FRIENDS. YOU SHALL SUFFER A MISFORTUNE FOR EACH DAY FOLLOWING FAILURE TO COMPLY. YOU WILL BEGOT A CURSED LIFE WHERE BAD THINGS HAPPEN SUCH BEITH SAD SOMETIMES AND ALSO NOT GETTING THOU WAYEST AND ALSO TO NOT ALWAYS HAVETH A PROPEROUS TIME. 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 HEY. THIS IS BOB: _/\(0_0)/\_. HE IS CRAWLING HIS WAY ACROSS THE INTERWEBS. PASTE HIM AROUND AND SO THAT HE MAY EXPLORE THE CORNERS OF THE GALAXY! IF YOU DON'T HE WILL BE SAD AND CRY AND THEN DIE. _N(0_=)___ HI. UNFORTUNATELY YOU ARE GUILTY OF THE ORIGINAL SIN. THAT OF BEING BORN. BUT YOUR SOUL MAY BE SAVED. FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO 7 STRANGERS, 4 FRIENDS, AND 2 FAMILY MEMBERS. FAILURE OF THOU TO DOEST THIS OUGHT BE A VERY GREIVOUS THING. TAKETH THE COMMAND OR BURN IN THE LAKE OF FIRE, HADES, HELL, ETC. 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 "IT IS 5:40 AM. I HAVE AN EXAM AT 2PM. I HAVE NOT STUDIED. I HAVE NOT GONE TO CLASS. I DON'T CARE. THIS IS NORMAL FOR ME." SHARE THIS QUOTE WITH 6 FRIENDS TO INSPIRE AND BRIGHTEN THEIR DAYS! (UPDATE: I FELL ASLEEP HALF AN HOUR BEFORE THE QUIZ. GOODBYE 7.5%. THIS IS REAL. I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.) 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. THE MOST KISSABLE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS. 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 10110110 11101000 GIRLCODING 01101100 00111000 00110001 YOU WILL DIE IMMEDIATELY IF YOU DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE TO SIX FRIENDS. DON'T HAVE SIX FRIENDS? YOU CHANCE OF SURVIVAL IS ZERO. YOU WILL DIE. ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL DIE AS WELL. THAT WILL SUCK FOR YOU. FORWARD THIS EMIAL.

WARNING: IF YOU STOP READING THIS YOU WILL DIE. That’s what an email Shainey Maile received when she was eight years old said. “And I was like, ‘What the fuck? I’m going to die?’” said Maile, now 23. The email said that since she read the email, Bloody Mary would kill her and kill everyone she loved and also One Direction would break up — unless she forwarded it to 10 friends.

“I couldn’t let this happen to them. I just knew they were going to stay together forever. How could I deprive every girl everywhere of One Direction’s musical genius? I’m not a monster...”

Soon, Maile got to work. Fifteen years later, she developed the very first Google Chrome extension to show those chain emailers who’s (girl)boss.

Woman on the phone at a desk with the name plate that reads 'Boss Lady'

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"Girls like me deserve internet safety, SO I CODED IT!""

Exclusive interview with GLM's favourite woman in coding

GLM: Hey girlboss! Can you tell us more about how the extension, ChainMail Detected, works?

SM: It essentially hacks the email address of whoever sent you the chain email and finds their IP address. From there, it locates their physical address which our team (an Etsy witch from Ladner) cross-references with various sources such as public records, private data (you know, the one your telecommunications provider sells to advertising agencies) and aura points, to then create an in-depth profile of who you are and what you stand for so we can leak it to UBC admissions, Steve’s Poke Bar and Whataburger (as well as other interested parties) so they pester you with emails for three months or three years. This motivates the chain-email-sender to fuck off into oblivion, deleting their email address and entire digital presence out of unparalleled annoyance and deep-seated fear that they will spend all their money on kinda mid spicy tuna bowls.

GLM: That’s awesome! Why is it important for a product like this to exist?

SM: Girls’ Lower Mainland — can I just call you Girls’?

GLM: Sure.

SM: I thought I was gonna freaking die when I got that email. Bloody Mary is scary as fuck and I am a humanitarian and an empath so I didn’t want my friends to freaking die, too. Plus, Harry and Louis are in love and they can’t break up. In our unprecedented digital climate, where the Internet is literally a scary place and boys are literally sending chain emails like nobody’s business, it’s up to us girls to stick together! We can create a community and foster connection. We can fight back. We can win. We can outwit, outplay, outlast and overthrow the curses that chain emails plague us with.

GLM: Wait… chain emails don’t actually have curses.

SM: What the fuck? Yeah they do. Did you even see what happened to 1D?

GLM: And, wait a minute! How is this extension still relevant? I mean, I haven't received a chain email since the ‘90s.

SM: Where do you think I’ve been all these years? Lazing around? Hanging out? Cursed? No! I’ve been literally inside the freaking internet, Wreck-it-Ralph style, Tron Legacy style, battling all the curses of every chain email like a badass and hand-assembling my code inside the motherboarding mainframe. Support local coders.

GLM: …

SM: You know what? You sound like you were alive in the ‘90s you old piece of shit! You don’t think girls can code? I’m going to cancel you. And your skinny jeans are ugly as fuck, you millennial loser.

SM left the chat

​​Six ways the Engineering Cairn is just like you!