Girls’ Lower Mainland

Match my freak?

All the mean girls at school keep calling me a weirdo and a freak. I’m so sick of it! I mean, what even constitutes a freak anyway? — Freaking Out

Hey BFF! According to my gal pal Miss Merriam-Webster, a freak is “someone or something that differs markedly from what is usual or standard.” But at Girls’ Lower Mainland, our definition (and corporate motto) is “a freak is a freak.” And it takes a freak to know a freak.

By this, I mean those girls are just insecure about themselves! You’re a horribly uncool loser, without a doubt, but so are they. As they do in our favourite show about staying true to yourself, throw a slushie full of rock salt in those girls’ eyes. Bully them back, because they definitely have qualities that don’t meet the societal conventions they’re so desperate to uphold. Call that retali-slay-tion!

Dystopian distress

Do we live in a simulation? — Butterfly Effect Bae

I know how you got here. Life has crushed you. You’re on the brink of insanity. You’ve lost your footing, stumbling from that calm eye of the hurricane into the whirlwind whipping crazy spinning cyclone that is failing classes, countless extracurriculars, vicious job applications and an impending future that can most accurately be described as AHHHHHDJAFLDAFJSDAJF. You’re questioning the meaning of life. You’re searching for an escape. You’re praying that none of this is real, hoping that all your pain is programmed and some futuristic dystopian smartass teenage heroine might free you with the press of a button — but no.

Your pain is very real! Get back to work.

Colour me confused

What should my favourite colour be? — Anita Favouritecolour

There comes a time in every girl’s life when society forces her to make an unreasonably difficult, life-altering decision. For Twinkerbell, it was the magic floating hammer thing. For the Dievirgin’ts, it was train jumping and bird tattoos. For Katnip, it was Pita.

But for average, boring, just-like-other girls, your favourite colour is the choice that will define you for the rest of your days.

Pink? Typical. Blue? Also typical. Red? Too angry. (It is your sacred duty to repress your anger like every woman before you.) Yellow? Nobody likes yellow snow. Green? Like, the colour of the grass? Basic. You can do better.

Enter: rainbow. She’s everything. She’s multifaceted. She’s multidimensional. She’s whimsical. She’s mathematical (I love prisms). “Rainbow” is the ultimate favorite colour option, because it’s every colour option, allowing you to simultaneously be indecisive, people pleasing, attractive to Leprechauns and enraging to Republicans when painted on crosswalks — every girl’s dream!

It’s giving idiot

How do I deal with dumb incompetent people? — The Only Competent One for Miles

The cardinal rule of conflict resolution is to communicate your expectations clearly and remember that everyone is different. Not everyone can be as beautiful, smart and talented as you. So what do you do when you’re so great and they are so… not?

Acknowledge all their flaws to show these aforementioned people dummies that you accept them for who they are (stupid). This will motivate them to do your bidding. Try phrases like “I know you got an 11 per cent in Math 101, but I still believe in you enough to [insert request here]” or my personal favourite, “Wow, you are so ugly and dumb, but I love you anyway. More specifically, I love what you can do for me. Can you [insert request here]?”

With these handy tricks, you can manipulate dumb incompetent people to help magnificent, stunning, talented, gorgelicious and gracious people like yourself! #humble

(Ad)ded fees guaranteed

I’m trying to start a pyramid scheme, but it’s not catching on! How do I run an ad in Girls’ World? —Budding Entrepreneur

Money. Like, lots of money. Delivered in unmarked bills with non-consecutive serial numbers. Mixed denominations preferred. Should the subject of your ad be horribly appalling to any individual with the slightest shred of morality, we’ll apply a 10 per cent discount.

BTW, we offer some additional, super cool, extra valuable services to would-be advertisers. For example, throw in an extra $50 and we’ll insert completely blatant product placement in articles. For $50 more, we’ll try to be subtle. (Don’t try to lowball us. Remember girls — always know your worth!) Interested? Meet us at 1 a.m. by the dumpsters behind the Frank Forward building. Come alone — we don’t want any trouble!

SRC North's Guide to Growing Up

Growing up is hard.

Four short years ago, I was just a blueprint — an old bus loop and a dream. Now, I am grateful to be making waves as UBC campus' hottest incoming structure. Students and faculty alike either want to be me or be in me. Hehe!

Though my grand opening is widely anticipated and set to be the campus event of the century, I am, in fact, just a girl. Like you, I have struggles. I have dreams. I have baddie moments and saddie moments. I have ambitions, goals, a backstory and most importantly, a future. Getting to share my real, raw, unfiltered story with you all is my favorite part of the job.

Thank you to my fans, this one's for you. (And thank you Beyoncé.)

💫 My Best Tips for Growing Up 💫

Keep getting bigger and better, girlies, because that's what growth is all about.

XOXO

♥ ♥ ♥

When you go to a school as elite as UBC, it’s literally a degree requirement to dress to impress. If you’re a total fashion klutz and can’t tell blood orange from red (huge difference BTW), then you’ve come to the right spot. Here are five fashion must-haves that will totally make you stand out on campus and secure a feature on one of those coveted “stylish students” social media accounts.

Score these unique UBC looks for less!

Puffer jacket 🧥

Yes, this is a total basic because everyone has one but what’s different is how you wear it. Zipped up says “all business,” but leaving it all the way open obviously means, “I’ve got places to be. I’m in a hurry. Don’t talk to me.” Disheveled. Not elevated.

Half-zipped is the way to go. Casual. Mysterious. Unquantifiable. It says, “only talk to me if you’re cool.” The language of puffer zipper placement can be difficult to learn, especially if you own more than one colour or length. But don’t worry — stick to our advice and you’re bound to stand out.

Activewear 🩳

You can’t call yourself a Vancouverite if you don’t wear activewear as everyday clothes. But make no mistake — brand is everything.

Wearing black Arc’teryx is extremely different from wearing black lululemon — one of those means you’re a pretentious douchebag and the other means you’re a washed-up mean girl. If you can’t tell which is which… You’re a lost cause. Off-brand only for you. Sorry not sorry.

Blundstones 🥾

When it comes to footwear, Blundstones are the most chic, niche, underground, down under shoe for you — no really, they’re from Australia (exotic) so literally no one else will have them. They’re practical, but with a touch of sophistication so you can go from the Totem Park forest to the Sauder building to network, no sweat.

Colour is important here. If you pick rustic brown, you’ll be typecast as a bisexual political science student. Rustic black, however, is still Queer (don’t worry), but in the forestry-overnight-oats-in-an-upcycled-jar way. Huge difference, so choose carefully.

Tote bags 👝

A Thunderbird fashion sin is wearing a backpack. If you care about fashion — which I imagine you do because you’re reading this article — burn your backpack at a Wreck Beach bonfire. Like, right now. Go on. What you replace it with doesn’t matter: tote bag, briefcase, purse, grocery bag, laundry basket, whatever — as long as it slings over one shoulder! Bonus points if it’s red; you’ll definitely stand out then 😉

Headphones 🎧

To complete your look, you can always count on a pair of trusty headphones — no procrastinator pretending to be studious leaves the house without ‘em.

But again, it’s not about the accessory but rather how you style it. Headphones are a great way to highlight your personality! Get a fun colour (but make sure it matches every outfit, so go with black or grey), hang them on your tote bag (because fashion over function, obviously) or even get them a little crochet sprout (SO original!). This is where you really get to shine.

With our campus fashion tips, you’re bound to stand out! You’ll stand so far out you’ll be back in!

Believe in Yourself:How to serve CONFIDENCE after being put on academic probation

Coffee. Stationery. Desks. Forehead wrinkles.

Being an academic is a state of mind. But what happens when you're just not cut out for it? Meet the UBC student who’s decided the ass-cademe can kiss her ass.

Ceesgit Deegreese, a fourth-year tropical curling student, has decentred academia from her life — and she says you should too!

“Yeah,” said Deegreese. “Getting a B+ in POLI 110 changed my life. After such a catastrophe, you really start to reflect. Regroup. Rethink your priorities. I knew I couldn’t let such a failure define me — I realized that I am so much more than one bad grade.”

(Editor’s note: This isn't a bad grade.)

After getting that wretched, terrible grade, Deegreese went on a journey of self-discovery and found school just isn't her calling.

“My calling is to fail,” she said.

Since then, Deegreese has become a fail-fluencer, amassing over 2.5 million followers across all social platforms.

Her mantra? If you fail once, fail, fail again!

Deegreese has shown students how to achieve academic probation, then get off it, then get on it again. She’s even been featured on UBC’s social media pages despite failing multiple classes and saying “Fuck UBC!” in front of the most sacred spot on campus, the Rose Garden.

“It's actually pretty hard,” she said. “I’m a good student, but I’m really good at this failing thing, and I need external validation to feel secure in myself. Good grades might get you a ‘good job,’ but back flipping off President Bacon’s desk gets you views and bitches.”

So true, queen.

Deegreese’s videos are provocative, especially to current academics. Nikki Urse, my mom and a nursing professor, said students should always try really hard to do their best, and that I’m the bestest boy in the world because I work so hard. Thanks, mommy!

“To teach — nay, encourage — students to fail. Now, that’s ludicrous,” said Mommy.

When asked about this, Deegreese said Ludacris, the singer, isn't doing anything related to the #FailSchool movement and that she’s tired of him taking credit for it.

“Bruh,” she said.

Deegreese also said the education system already prioritizes failing students through needlessly difficult exams, “weeding-out” classes and grade scaling.

“UBC is a business, not a school. They want you to pay to play, and I’m just following their instructions.”

Why Beowulf is your next must⁠–⁠read!

First chapter of Beowulf in Latin script

Girls — if you’re craving a party in book form, look no further. Follow heroic hottie Beowulf (who is not actually a wolf, but def the inspo for Jacob in Twilight — they don’t call him bae-o-wolf for nothing) as he rages against the disgruntled Grendel, an edgy, violent mama’s boy.

After Grendel brutally murders the Danes in their mead hall every night — can someone say “Grumpypants?” — Beowulf uses the powers of confidence and loyalty to save the day by ripping Grendel’s arm off, causing him to bleed out in the moor. Slay!

And that’s just the start. Beowulf gets in the same gory, dramatic fight one and a half more times with Grendel’s mother and also a dragon (but still no wolves). Find out how he dies horribly in this hopeful tale about Beo-lieving in yourself!

99.99999 per cent of readers loved Beowulf!

“I don’t understand a word, but I like how it looks!” Dooruhthie, age 10

“When he killed all those people, I didn’t know what to think. Thank God for Beowulf!” Emmaleigh, age 7

“I like to think Grendel and Beowulf were forbidden lovers — it feels more realistic.” Grayson, age 40.

Adequate advice