What girl power means to UBC!

Sandy Beach, 7th year

Girl power is self-care! My nightly application of fermented shrimp paste to my scalp has miraculously halted my hair growth, soaking deep into my hair follicles and giving my strands the stylish, crusty crunch that every girl wants. It’s so important to find your signature fragrance, and I know my Eau de Ocean Pungency will keep all eyes and noses on me! (P.S. Try garlic paste if my fishy fragrance isn’t your style!)

Patty “O” Ferniture, 3rd year

Girlhood is dropping $48 at Brown’s Crafthouse every Friday for appies and drinkies to watch your favourite bartender (and their biceps) and fantasize about them shaking you like one of those cocktails.

Misty Waters, she doesn’t even go here

Girlhood is empowerment and I think that’s why we need to end the stigma attached to our monthly moultings. Last week, my boyfriend stumbled upon my slimy, shedded layer in the compost bin and freaked the fuck out. We can’t keep telling them ‘it’s just mouldy tortillas.’ Truth matters.” Waters sniffled, “Change starts with you.

Two girls standing back to back
Sia “Later” Ally Gator, Jump Start drop-out

For me, I feel the most connected to my inner girlhood when I reject every dude at the Pit and then I hop on Scooter Dom’s whip outside A&W. There’s really nothing like it –– the freedom I felt, zipping around in that ambient neon scooter glow, tossing a raccoon chicken nugget scraps, raising my hands above my head and feeling the wind’s magical gust on my fingers –– it’ll forever live in my heart … and on Scoot’s Insta.

Becky, from Beta Zeta Omicron

My dirty little guilty pleasure is blending Pink Whitney, Don’s chicken tendies, six Advils, and some diet coke in my bedazzled Stanley cup. With each sip at Birdcoop, I feel the ‘girl power’ bubble inside of me as I hip thrust my ex’s weight. I’ll be on the toilet for several hours soon after,” Becky giggled, “but it’s an empowering moment to finally feel movement inside of me.

Sue Perstar, 2nd year

Sometimes [girlhood] is contemplating the entirety of your life decisions while popping a squat over a Life Building toilet after eating Chipotle with extra queso everyday for the past two weeks during finals because there’s not enough hours in the day to cook meals and study for five classes and four labs and do laundry and have friends and doomscroll Reels and draft notes app responses you’ll never send to shitty guys, so now you’re crying while the person in the stall next to you is blowing their ass from the same lactose-intolerant salmonella poisoning you have, but then you remember your friend told you she crossed-off no. 51 on The Ubyssey’s purity test in this very stall and you realize you've surrounded yourself with so many silly-goofy girls that you too are just a silly-goofy girl in a silly-goofy world.

Study Session

Our readers stay locked in!

Crude illustration of a computer displaying the text 'chatGPT' Edith, 19, ON
Crude illustration of two stick figures studying together Lilith, 23, AB
Crude illustration of an explosion PHYLLIS, 22, BC
Crude illustration of icede matcha with a smily face ABADDON, 6029, SK

TRICKY SCIENCE QUESTIONS — ANSWERED!

“Why does snow disappear overnight?” — Aria, 12

When temperatures drop below 0°C, water vapor condenses. Skipping the liquid stage, these would-be raindrops freeze and become the beloved substance we know as “snow.”

However, like all good things in life, snow will leave you. As days pass, snow particles wonder: did I miss out? Will I ever raindrop, drop top? Are the best and wettest days of my life behind me?

Reportedly, these snow particles ask themselves questions such as “Why are we sticking together?” “Is this love or just these cold circumstances?” Just like real relationships, things can change a lot. The flake beside you may not be the same one you fell in love with on your journey from the big slushy machine malfunctioning in the sky.

When asked to comment on the recent uptick in snowflake dissatisfaction, accredited Woman in STEM Natasha Beddingfield cited the cultural phenomenon of “FOMO.” She answered, “What is a raindrop’s purpose, if not to be felt on your skin?” Some lucky snowflakes get to be felt on one’s skin, and others’ dreams are dashed.

Thus overnight, amicably parting ways, snowflakes choose to go on their new journeys: becoming liquid, evaporating, exploring the dirt they dreamed of in the clouds or even getting sucked up crazy-style by plants. In the process, they disappear.

“Can my dog understand me?” — Mindy, 10

Thanks for asking, Mindy! Did you know that dogs were selectively bred from wolves? In scientific terms, dogs are actually called ‘Canis lupus familiaris’ which means ‘the familiar wolf’ in Latin (this is not to be confused with ‘Canis taylorus lautneris,’ which is used for wolves during full moons).

Because of their heritage, dogs carry several lupine genetic traits. For example, wolves have long snouts (for sniffing suspicious things out). This, combined with an unrelenting desire to please authority figures (hence the alpha structure of their packs), makes them huge narcs. Thus, dogs are genetically designed to detect and report suspicious activity, in deference to their masters who walk them and give them treats.

This is also why you’ll see dogs recruited by federal policing agencies.

Additionally, dogs have excellent hearing. They can detect sounds that are much quieter than ones humans can. This is because these sound waves are amplified by the bad vibes given off by those who don’t want to be heard.

Has your dog ever barked at you while you’re climbing out your bedroom window to go meet your BFF Stacey at 3 a.m.? Now you know why. They’re literally built to snitch. Other dog bark-inducers include: the sound of lying heartbeats, anxious typing at 3 a.m., the sound of hand washing without flushing and the creak of the fridge door at midnight when one is trying to gobble up that last piece of pizza that your older sister was saving for lunch.

So can dogs understand us? Yes! They are our wolf familiars, they are the snitches we keep near. They defer to their alphas and report what they know. Either become their alpha by eating treats out of their bowl while staring them directly in the eye or don’t do things that force them to report you, silly!

Embarrassing Encounters

Send us your embarrassing story!

Leave a typewritten submission and $100 cash in the dumpster near Buchanan Tower.

Brainy baldy!

I wanted to look my best for graduation but I was too broke to pay for a haircut. Thanks, student fees! After watching three TikToks of girls cutting their own bangs after breakups, I knew what I had to do. Embracing my inner DIY queen, I grabbed my roommate’s kitchen scissors, borrowed my brother’s $5 Facebook marketplace razor and sat myself in front of the big mirrors in the Nest’s dance studio. I was cool, calm and collected until I couldn’t figure out how to turn on the lights and a dance class started to bang on the door. Startled and panicked, my hand slipped and I shaved off a huge chunk of my hair. I tried to even it all out with the razor but ended up shaving everything off! OMG! Less than 24 hours later, I walked across the stage looking like Dr. Benoit-Antoine Bacon! I was so embarrassed. Plus, my head was really cold.

Fanfic fiancée!

Within the first five minutes of meeting her, I could already picture a life together. I saw it vividly: a cottagecore, cat-filled house in the countryside where I would work the land and she could bake the bread and we’d have nine kids named after different shades of green. I am, of course, talking about my TA. Eek! I think about her cute face, kind eyes and big, gorgeous brain all day. I dream of her all night. But instead of asking her out, I’ve been secretly writing a dragon princess fanfic featuring the two of us as star-crossed heiresses to the feuding kingdoms of Food&Landia and Forestrionia. Between clashing swords and roaring dragons, we find fiery forbidden passion in the crossfires of battle. I know, it’s genius. One day, I was finishing an assignment (at 11:58 p.m. on the day it was due) and in a mad rush, I submitted my fanfic instead of my report! Yikes! The next morning, I received a strongly-worded email from my love TA about ‘professionalism’ and also a phone call from the counselling services performing a ‘routine wellness check-in.’ Embarrassing! But when I went to check my mark, I got a 98 per cent. So I guess she was into it?

Explosive embarrassment!

When I learned that the meat industry emits thousands of tons of greenhouse gases, I immediately switched to an all-bean diet. #ClimateAlly. The next day, I had a chem lab worth 120 per cent of my mark. It had all the normal stuff: beakers, pipettes and bunsen burners. Halfway through the lab, my stomach started gurgling. “Wow. That’s embarrassing,” I thought. But also, I’m not 10 years old anymore. There are worse things going on in this world like the climate crisis and greenhouse gases. Then, I started to fart. Big farts, little farts. Farts that smelled like rotten eggs, farts that smelled like birthday cake. Some farts were shaped like hearts while others looked like the Cearadactylus from Jurassic Park. At this point, I was pretty nervous. I hoped I wasn’t upsetting my labmates with the weird smells and sounds. Farting all the while, I picked up the pace and finally reached the last step: use a small torch to light the surface of my chemical solution. I have so many regrets. Chemistry lesson of the day? Farts are made of oxygen, hydrogen and methane, all of which are flammable. Highly flammable. The fire quickly engulfed me in a fiery, smelly sphere. Then, it spread. My farts had been so frequent, potent and violent that they filled the entire chemistry lab, building and campus. The flames grew rapidly, until everything was on fire. Boom! A giant fart-shaped explosion was observed from outer space. Today, there is an empty, black crater where UBC Vancouver once stood. Whoops!