Our Krampus: This dumb idiot actually reads the print version of The Who?byssey

Wilson loves to read each issue on his commute home every day. He makes notes in the columns of the paper, and when he reaches home, he shows the issue to his family, who pore over it at the dinner table.

Wadi Wali    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

The title of this article is the article

You really don’t need to be reading this part, there’s nothing left to say about this topic. You clicked on this article and honestly that’s all we expected you to do.

Dave Mirror    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

UBC athlete doesn’t go pro

“I don’t get it, I really just don’t. I’ve shown up to at least half of the practices this year and I really thought I’d at least go as a tenth round pick,” Chadwick said, in response to not being drafted in this year’s Major Minor League Baseball Draft.

Bronson Swanson    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

Breaking news: We have a science section!

My eyes melted out of my head and I vomited for two hours when I had to even try to understand what gravity is. But despite this, we still felt it was a good idea to have a section entirely dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge.

Pisstain Wiener    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

Ways to spell The Who?byssey

Where the fuck is the crossword puzzle? I’m going complain on Reddit.

Danni Olusanya and Do you really care who wrote this?    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

Students try to fuck on first-year twin bed, fall off and die

The BC coroner’s office said the cause of death is still being investigated, but sources have hinted that the unreasonably high beds and the unyielding mattress bounce are to blame.

Emma Livingstone and Emu Dedrock    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

Thousands of students share single mental health

In a groundbreaking effort by the UBC Student Wellness Centre, the team is suggesting a new method of mental health support: just, like, sharing one?

Bridget Chase, Covering Over Water Pursue and Chase "Red" Bull    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

Places you are currently

Through our times at UBC there are many locations we all share. These places can hold important memories for us or, you know, they can just be places.

Moira Wyton and Fjork Knievenspoon    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

I'm the only living person at a Chan Centre show by, like, 100 years

I cannot in good faith give fair commentary on this performance because I honestly could barely pay attention to the stage when there were about 1,184 decaying corpses in the seats around me.

Bridget Chase and Chase "Red" Bull    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

The best places in Vancouver, none of which are in Vancouver

Ahh, Vancouver — the Toledo, Ohio of Canada. Here are five places that would make wonderful dates, picnics or family outings in our fair city, except they are not actually in Vancouver because there’s nothing to do here.

Kaz Mascara    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

A newspaper consisting of only poli sci students writes about cells

Uh, recent UBC research suggests that cells are... good? We all know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. But what does the nucleus do? What on Earth is a chloroplast?

Sam Smart and Jimothy McScience    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

Letter to the Schmeditor: I got the newspaper wet and now it says exactly what I want it to

To my great surprise, the Almonds Matter Society (AMS) also voted to never do anything dumb ever again in an article titled “AMS ***** ******** ***** ** * *****.”

Yo-Han Solo    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

Their Krampus: A seagull laid an egg in my mouth at UBC Robson

I waited months to get my GoGlobal application back. I was hoping for someplace exotic, Australia, Belgium or — maybe even my dream — Oman. I was shocked and delighted when I heard where I was going: UBC Robson.

Ahnnejahluh Irishname    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

There is no news left on campus

The broken souls that make up our news team did their best to track down any remaining stories on campus, but it turns out we wrote everything that could possibly be written.

Marissa Birnie and One Long Scream    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019

Some artist did something on campus somewhere, but who fucking gives a shit?

His interview was so fucking boring that I can’t be bothered to transcribe it. “Blah blah blah forests blah blah calming beauty of nature blah blah meditation,” said Riordan, probably.

Josh Is Easy and Free Reign    2019 Spoof: Who?byssey    April 1, 2019