"Dear Natalie,
My new roommate is terrible. She's dirty and smelly and she leaves dishes out. I feel so passive aggressive when I ask her to do anything, but it's getting to be too much and I think I'm about to blow up at her. Help?"
Roommates can be tons of fun, but they also have the potential to make your home life the worst. Dirty dishes, clothes all over the floor and what seems like all of their stuff on the bathroom counter can turn your good day bad faster than forgotten readings on a Friday night.
But in a lot of cases, your roommate might not know that what she's doing is making you pull out your hair. In first year, many people are suddenly living in the same room with someone else and they aren't prepared for the reality of that situation. In second year and beyond, suddenly they are living in a house or apartment and have to do their own dishes, wash their own clothes and take out their own recycling.
These people aren't intentionally trying to piss you off, it's more that they never had to be an adult before. Maybe they don't realize even if they don't use the kitchen for the night, they shouldn't just leave their dishes everywhere because other people might use the kitchen. Try to keep this in mind.
But you shouldn't have to deal with their mess because you're not their parents. It's not your job to clean their room. You shouldn't have to babysit your roommate. Talk to them. Tell them you noticed that the dishes haven't been done lately and that you should all remember to do your share — this way it seems less like you're attacking them and more like you're trying to correct a common problem.
If that doesn't work, sit them down and have a talk about how they're not pulling their weight around the house. Make it a serious talk and tell them how their mess is affecting your life.
If that doesn't work, then you have a real problem. Clearly they are a terribly awful roommate. That is when you would become passive-aggressive, but I really hope it doesn't come to that.
It should work out though since most people try not to be a terrible person to live with.
"Dear Natalie,
I moved into this house with five other people (big, I know) but the thing is they all knew each other beforehand and I seemed to have replaced one of their friends. They're nice enough, but I feel very excluded. They have dinner together, they go out together, they go to the same parties and share the same gossip. I just sit there going, "Cool, I'm clearly not involved in this conversation." It's starting to wear me down. I've tried being friends, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all. :("
Everyone wants to live with their friends, but you can't always make a perfect house. Inviting others in can be scary, but clearly what's scarier is entering a house where everyone is already friends.
Everyone is already set in their ways. They had a pattern that worked for them and suddenly they expect you to know how to fit into it. It can often feel like you're missing a step in the dance everyone's doing. At this point, you've been trying to catch up but now you have to decide if it's worth it.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that you don't have to be friends with your roommates and friends don't always make the best roommates (although it is nice when that happens). Decide if it's worth breaking in to your roommates' circle. Are the dinners together, outings and gossip worth it to you?
If it is, try talking to each of the roommates one-on-one. Explain you feel a little left out and would love to go out with everyone. Ask if they'd like to make dinner together as a house (I suggest tacos because they are delicious and super easy to get everyone involved). You can insert yourself into conversations and head out the door with them when they're going to a bar even if you weren't technically invited. Soon enough, they'll forget you're the newest addition to the house.
If it's not worth it, that's fine too. You've been trying already and the fact is they might never welcome you completely. In that case, take a moment to remember that this is your house too. You have equal claim to everything that happens. Don't feel awkward when inviting your friends over. Don't feel weird when you have to use the kitchen when they're hanging out in it. This is your home. Don't let them make you forget it.
That being said, don't be a jerk. Be a good roommate and the best you can. They don't deserve a crummy roommate just because they're a little cliquey. Be nice, and hopefully they will be too.
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