“Dear Natalie,
In your last article, you told the person to ‘find out what their hard lines are.’ What does that mean?”
It's a way to label what you're okay with in relationships or what are you not willing to put up with. But just thinking,“I'll leave if X happens,” or “we're over if they say Y,” makes it seem like relationships and boundaries are black and white. Granted some are, but you include “soft lines.”
Hard lines aren't written in the sand, they're a rock wall. If you cross them, you're out. For example, I personally think everyone should leave a relationship immediately if there are any signs of abusive traits — I try not to allow any thoughts of, “Oh, maybe they were just in a bad mood” or “works been stressing them out lately.” But that's me. Hard lines are like this. Lines you don't have to say out loud to put into action.
Soft lines are boundaries you know you're not comfortable with, but may be a little flexible. I think of them like a three (or less) strike policy. The first time I make it clear that whatever happened is a no-go. The second time is a reminder. The third time is a farewell. If people can't respect your boundaries, then why would you stay in a relationship with them? What everyone considers a boundary in a relationship is different, but you usually know when they're crossed.
Knowing your own limits helps you communicate them properly. Instead of keeping everything inside, you can tell your partner why you're upset or why you're breaking up. One of the best ways to communicate in a relationship is knowing yourself.
“Dear Natalie,
My friend's boyfriend broke up with her and she's really upset. They were together for a long time so I get it. The thing is, we all knew it was coming. Not in a “he told us it was happening at last” way, but in a “we all know they're not right for each other” way. It was either they break up now or they end up in an unhappy marriage where they both resent each other. How do we tell her this — or should we even?”
Not right now. Right now, every word she should be hearing from you should be just there to comfort her. Now is not the time to tell her all about how shit their relationship was.
When break-ups happen, people tend to immediately forget all the bad parts of their relationship. Their memory becomes a shrine to their idealized version of the relationship, not the reality. I was once in a relationship when I knew it was not working, I knew it wasn't healthy to stay and I was considering breaking it off myself. But as soon as it was over, I wished it wasn't. Relationships are like that.
She'll figure it out on her own. But if you say something now, she won't remember you being right, she'll remember how unsupportive you were when she needed a friend. Anything you say right now other than, “Oh honey,” is going to sound like, “Oh I knew it! You guys sucked anyway.”
Besides, anger is coming and with anger comes booze. And booze can be fun. It's part of the 10 stages of a college relationship break-up. It's science.
Need advice? Contact Natalie anonymously at asknatalie@ubyssey.ca and have your questions answered in an upcoming issue.
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