Generally speaking, people don’t enjoy it when the ceiling falls on them at school. It would really suck, especially when you’re supposed to be learning.
We at The Ubyssey looked at the biology building collapse and we got really paranoid. After a few months, we asked ourselves, “What would be an even worse campus building to have collapse on you?”
So, based entirely on vibes and no science or engineering whatsoever, we listed some of them for your studying needs — whether you need to focus by avoiding death or by getting collapse-related exam concessions.
Geography
Imagine this: you’re walking through a two-storey building with rubber-treaded staircases and students studying in the hall. There are lockers on either side and you can hear every footstep, argument and hookup — you can smell them all, too.
You walk past a lounge with vending machines and a grotty old sink, and just as you’re thinking about how gross the water must be, the ceiling collapses on you, spewing asbestos and putrid grey liquid. As you draw your last breath, a loud, dust-clogged fire alarm goes off.
You think the Geography Building just fell on you, but it might have been your high school. You can’t quite tell the difference, which it feel that much worse.
Buchanan (any of them)
Ernst von Glaserfeld said, “What radical constructivism may suggest to educators is this: the art of teaching has little to do with the traffic of knowledge, its fundamental purpose must be to foster the art of learning.” Essentially, this is the central point behind the concept of social construction, a foundational concept for so many faculty of arts programs.
Anyone in arts has spent many a class debating socio-economic constructivist thought and creating enlightening streams of thought (among other things). However, you just hope that social constructivism wasn’t taken too literally when Buchanan was being built. Physically-constructed buildings are typically much safer.
However, the third-most common wish on the yearly arts survey is for Buchanan to be reclaimed by hell, so the implications of its collapse might be a blessing in disguise. Naturally, exams would have to be cancelled, and maybe they would space the washrooms evenly in the new building.
Civil and Mechanical Engineering
Of all the buildings on campus, this is the one that wouldn’t collapse, right? This is literally where people go to learn how to build a building. If there’s anywhere that you can go to and feel safe from the ceiling collapsing, it would be CEME. Right?
For what it’s worth, the risk of CEME collapsing is pretty low. It’s got a solid cubic structure and the atriums are in the right places for structural integrity (don’t worry, that’s as much real engineering as will be included in this article). CEME has a Starbucks, so you know that students will inspect it constantly to make sure it’s safe. However — the higher the high, the greater the fall. Because how ostensibly safe it is, having this building fall on you would feel so much worse. Almost feels personal at that point.
Henry Angus
This would be unfortunate because Henry Angus is an objectively nice building — it’s just that it has a few kinks that would make it pretty terrible for this building to collapse on you. The stairwells and hallway access already make no sense; imagine if someone had to find you, they’d be spending months just trying to find the washroom! Plus, the floors are already buckling under the collective weight of hundreds of Sauder egos, and if it collapses the rubble might be full of snakes.
Forest Sciences Centre
Honestly, this is probably the most beautiful building on campus. From its light-filled giant atriums and fantastic air circulation, to the incredible wood panelling across every surface, to the fact that you can study among the trees, the forest sciences centre is perfect in every way.
Which would make it such a damn shame if it collapsed. Not only would you get crushed by a building at school, but you’d have to watch the fantastic architecture crumble in the process, and mourn the loss of such a flawless study space. We would most certainly pour one out.
However, such a collapse would create the opportunity for the faculty of forestry to build an actual treehouse as a replacement, which would be incredible. Just imagine that, climbing up into the trees to class. Might even make MATH 100 tolerable. But should we hope this collapse happens just for the sheer awesomeness of a treehouse? I’m not not saying yes.
Iona Building
There’s always a risk of the building burning down on you with all the hot takes flying around. Want to be careful of that if ever studying there. Besides, so many devil’s advocates hang out here that this creepy castle must be the entrance to hell. So that’s not ideal.
That weird wooden thing on Main Mall
Having this fall on you implies that you were hanging out in there, and if that is the case, why? In all fairness, years of smoke seshes have melted away its structure through persistent toking, so there is a very real risk of this happening.
Anything at UBC Okanagan
It would be embarrassing enough to have a real school like UBC fall on you. Just imagine if UBCO fell on you. Oh well: the death certificate will say UBC no matter what.
Earthquake Engineering Research Facility
Death by irony is a horrible way to go.
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