UBC’s top meteorologists have determined the dense fog clouding the campus is being caused by a group of students who just won’t stop vaping.
“It’d be remarkable if it wasn’t so terrifying,” said climate scientist Jake Saunders.
While most fog is caused by a combination of moist air, cooling temperatures and low-speed surface winds, the Stranger Things-esque blanket enveloping UBC is being caused by a small group of 19-year-olds trying to make their nicotine addiction appear cool and ironic.
“It’s like they think this is 2014 or some shit,” complained Saunders. “I honestly thought, as a society, that we were past this.”
Saunders’ projections show that a group of those guys, driven to increased use by exam stress, have been continuously “ripping it” for days, enveloping the campus in vanilla-scented shame.
So-called “vape bros” have taken to defending their usage, usually right after blowing a huge amount of cappuccino-scented vapour all over your apartment.
“Honestly, I don’t have a choice,” said local “cloud bro” Thomas Lardner. Lardner has defended the unprecedented vape pollution on campus, saying that blowing clouds of nicotine-tainted air across campus is a “cultural right.”
“People think it’s like, a choice. But for me, this is a lifestyle,” said Lardner, attempting to blow smoke rings of watermelon-flavoured mist into an innocent passerby's face.
When it was pointed out that vaporizers produce relatively little visible vapour are widely commercially available, Lardner shook his head, mumbling, “You just don’t get it.”
Saunders has pushed the theory that student vapers are a “bunch of scallywags” — but UBC psychologists say the increased dankness on campus could also be a product of increased exam stress, causing tolerable-ish rates of vaping to escalate into full-on hypebeast nonsense.
“This is just another example of how universities have failed to protect students’ mental and physical well-being” said local researcher Morgan McCloud as she donned a gas mask. “Instead of effectively managing their study schedules, students are becoming nicotine-powered human steam engines.
“It’s like the eleventh grade all over again.”
At press time, Saunders said UBC plans to tackle the plan by constructing a massive sign on the top of Tallwood Residence reading “WE GET IT, YOU VAPE.”
“If that doesn’t shame them out of this, then there's honestly nothing we can do for them,” said Saunders.
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