I don’t know about y’all, but this new Blue Chip is screwing me up in more ways than one.
Blue Chip: my wayfinding point
Anyone who knows anything about everything knows that nothing is real because everything is relative (science fact). Well, Blue Chip was my starting place. My cookie-filled checkpoint. The North Star, if stars could sell a variety of beverages, baked goods and casual breakfast and lunch items. Every location at UBC was mapped in my head … in relation to Blue Chip.
Once upon a time, when life was simple and easy, Thirstyyy was a door down from Blue Chip. Subway was diagonally southeast across the field from Blue Chip. The Earth and Ocean Sciences building was a 750m walk. What is it now? 700?!
These days, I find myself constantly thrown off by 50m in some unidentifyable direction. I tried using my Compass Card to figure it out (because that’s what compasses are for, I think) but it won’t tell me anything. It might be broken, so I put it in rice. Until it works again, the solution is to wander a 50m-radius around where my destination would have been in relation to the original Blue Chip for hours on end.
IKB to the bus loop
I hate being late almost as much as I hate being early. Therefore, I am always exactly on time to the bus stop ±2 half-milliseconds. It’s called optimization, folks.
In the old, empty Pie R Squared location, I could cut across the corner of the nest, saving me one second on average. It’s basic Pythagorean theorem, you know? Take the hypotenuse to reduce distance travelled. My mom taught me this skill when she was teaching me to drive. Why take a right turn when you could just cut over the sidewalk?
But now, with their Blue Chip-length lines and their pointy-ass tables, I can’t even take my handy-dandy shortcut without receiving a cookie-sized bruise!! It’s made me miss 14 buses in the last week alone! Absolutely ridiculous. Cookies are just as round as pizza pies, so why did they have to make everything pointy?
Comfy cushions and spacious sea-
Whoops, sorry about that. Couldn’t finish my last point because I fell asleep on the comfy cushions and spacious seating at Blue Chip. Wait a second …
Conclusion
The AMS didn’t move the store because they wanted a bigger, better Blue Chip. After wandering like a lost puppy on campus, missing my bus and then falling asleep on the Blue Chip cushions as I waited for the next one (spoiler alert: I missed that one, too), I believe I have stumbled upon a huge conspiracy: UBC doesn’t want us to leave campus.
The average five-year undergrad degree, advertised as four. The broken clocks in the library. And now, the confusing, hypotenuse slaughtering, cushy ass Blue Chip. Why else would they keep mildly inconveniencing me if they didn’t want me to stay at school forever?
Wake up, people. The evidence has been piling for years, but nothing points to the university’s goal to keep us on campus more than the recent Blue Chip move.
University of Blue Chip? No, University of the Big Conspiracy.
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