UBC leaked their recruitment tactics for prospective students, including vocabulary to use when speaking to them, pop culture to memorize for small talk and ways to keep their short attention spans geared toward post-secondary education.
This is not the most embarrassing leak from UBC this month, as no personal information was spread, something UBC IT is calling “a major win.”
A mass email was sent out to all first-year students welcoming them with important information. Unbeknownst to UBC, one of the attachments was a presentation from UBC’s VP Students office with tactics to recruit ‘gen alpha’ (can you believe we didn’t have to freedom-of-information-request that shit this time?).
Some points in the presentation included a new item at the campus Chipotle called the “Kendrick-Drake Beef Bowl,” introducing an English honours seminar dedicated to brain rot lyricism and rebranding first-year orientation to “Jump Start rizz party.”
A key note from the presentation read “Do not attempt to have long conversations with the incoming students for more than five seconds unless you can simultaneously do slime ASMR.”
Other strategies included officially changing the term “tuition payment” to “fanum tax,” formatting readings as r/AITA posts and making split-screen presentation slides with prerecorded Subway Surfer gameplay on the other side.
Expert gen alpha source Noah said “that’s Ohio bro.”
(I also don’t know what that means but he’s nine so I guess he is an expert on the subject of youth. Like, who am I to disagree since apparently I am geriatric at the age of 21. He was born in 2015. How am I meant to understand children when every other word they use is either sigma or skibidi? I’m going to lose my fucking mind.)
In a statement to The Ubyssey, Managing Information Director (MID) Priva C. Breetsh wrote “Yeah that’s on us, we don’t know how to use email. But keep up the great work newsroom, we all appreciate you keeping UBC on its toes.” Love that guy.
Students expressed frustration and feeling misjudged by UBC’s generalization of younger generations.
“I don’t think anyone actually talks like that,” said incoming first-year Igo Tistacle. When asked about his major, he said he was in pre-med (translation: gonna get rejected from CAPS).
Third-year philosophy student Ens Supherabel said, “Actually, if we consider Plato’s realms then in the spiritual world the existence ...” and then I kinda started walking away because I wanted an iced chai from Blue Chip.
Students have chosen to express their frustration in various ways, such as “competitive crocheting,” “brat spelunking” and “get that fucking microphone out of my face, freak.”
But perhaps UBC’s worst attempt to stay relevant and hip was that one real TikTok they posted that makes this article toe the line between fact and fiction. The future is upon us, and UBC wants to ensure that it’s lowkey bussin’.
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