THEY TURNED THE WATER BLUE

This is NOT a joke! The water is blue. Fucking blue! It's been blue for weeks. Go out and check! The Martha Piper fountain, the little puddle outside IKB, probably other expensive displays of liquid … THEY ARE ALL BLUE!!!

And not normal blue — we’re not talking about a natural reflection of selectively scattered sunlight here. We’re talking “B.O.B. from the 2009 animated comedy Monsters vs. Aliens” blue. We’re talking “My pen exploded in my pocket and now I’m branded by the BIC corporation for life” blue. We’re talking “What if Eeyore collapsed dead from a chronic silver intake problem, was eulogized by the Blue Man Group and then teleported through space in the TARDIS to be cremated on a neutron star” blue. It's a dangerous blue! A problematic blue!

Dear reader, it wasn’t always this way. I remember a time when I could see my reflection in that pool. When I didn’t question if I had wandered into the Minecraft v1.0.0 alpha every time I walked between classes. There was a time when inquiries such as “Did they fill up the Martha Piper Plaza Fountain with Cool Mint Listerine?” would reflect insanity on the inquirer. But those times are over.

Did they fill up the Martha Piper Plaza Fountain with Cool Mint Listerine?

This is a very popular theory. The “Listerine hypothesis” they call it. Believers will tell you that the university's water features are secretly doubling as mouthwash reserves exclusively for fatigued students signed up for 8 a.m. classes. Just woke up and have no time to brush your teeth? Simply dunk your head into the fountain, gargle, spit and continue rushing off to your groggy, under-attended, miserable lecture hall!

When asked why UBC would be keeping this hygiene solution secret, believers noted that what they are describing is “totally gross” and “might be bad for the school’s reputation.” Although there is admirable logic and many have been convinced, I remain a skeptic. Cool Mint Listerine just isn’t the correct hue.

Is it for flavour enhancement?

My first thought upon noticing the newly blue water was “In a just world, those responsible for this atrocity shall receive punishment by the awesome power only acknowledged in association with the almighty gods of ancient times.” The second thought I had was “Am I supposed to drink this?”

Gazing upon the unnatural hue, saturation and opaqueness of UBC’s blue water features, I felt a sickening tension. I knew these two things in my heart:

Fountain water is not drinking water
Blue is usually a decent slurpee flavour

A fierce battle erupted. “IT MIGHT BE BLUE RASPBERRY!” I lunged towards the basin, salivating. “NO! Think of the filth that thing is collecting! It must be a soup of disease!” I restrained myself for a moment but my thirst roared a second time, “BUT BLUE RASPBERRY!!!”

I bounded forward, my mind captured by the pursuit of manufactured flavouring. But then — “Remember that time in first year when you couldn’t figure out how to soak your feet while wearing flip-flops in the residence shower so you covertly dipped them in the fountain thinking that might be a sustainable solution?” At the last moment, I diverted my neck away from the water’s surface. I lost balance, hit the concrete and once again narrowly avoided giving into the temptation of lapping up one of UBC’s upsettingly blue open water features.

As of press time, I can’t answer whether the fountain is blue for flavour enhancement. I hope I never can.

If you want an explanation other than Cool Mint Listerine or blue raspberry flavouring, you can read this.