The Ubyssey's back-to-school checklist

School is back! Maybe you spent the past four months in summer school, but it’s also possible that you haven’t been to beautiful UBC since April. Or maybe it’s your first year and you’re waiting for classes to start. Whatever your situation, The Ubyssey has a list of things for you to remember when you come to campus. Follow this list and all of your UBC dreams will come true. You can trust us, right?  

An explanation of what you got up to during the summer

So here’s what’s going to happen — you’ll come to campus, meet some cool people that you haven’t seen in four months or maybe that you’ve met for the first time! It'll only be a matter of time until they ask, “What’d you do over the summer?” Now that shouldn’t be a difficult question to answer — “Oh, I just worked and watched Netflix,” said half the campus — but you should maybe try to think up something more interesting. Go on any cool vacations? Attend any fun parties or concerts? Let it be known that your summer was better than theirs.

A gym membership you’ll use three times

An old Ubyssey “things to do before you graduate” checklist included buying a Birdcoop membership but never using it, which isn’t really how things actually go. Chances are that you’ll use it the day you’ll get it! And then a few days after that. And then a week after that. Then the schoolwork will pile up and you’ll lose all your free time. But that’s okay, because the three times that you do use it will be great experiences in letting off steam. Repeat this step at the start of every term.

A fuckton of food

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a human and thus, you need food to live. You could just eat in the Nest every day, but it’s significantly cheaper to get food from the grocery store. However, those store trips can take up a lot of time, so I recommend making one large trip to the grocery store at the start of the term to buy as much food as you possibly can. In particular, I recommend buying...

Soup

According to his wife, Ted Cruz went and bought 100 cans of soup immediately after his honeymoon. The internet laughed at him, but I’d argue that it was a smart move. Think about it — soup is cheap, delicious, healthy, easy to make and portable. Most importantly, it never perishes. It really doesn’t matter how much you’ll buy, just as long as you eat it eventually. Make some at home before you come to campus, put it in a good thermos that keeps it warm and ta da! — that’s like half of your lunch right there.

Instagram

UBC is beautiful, so bury your face into your phone as you Instagram your beautiful campus on the one day that it’s sunny. It’s 2016 — just do it. Resistance is futile.

Endless praise for Santa J. Ono

Unless you’ve been living under a rock — or you just haven’t liked The Ubyssey on Facebook yet — you’ve probably heard about this cool new president guy. Ono-mania has struck UBC, so expect to talk about (i.e. fawn over) his bowties, endless popularity, progressive politics, Twitter antics, faith and scholarship. Personally, I get a kick out of the fact that he likes Steely Dan and Prince. Let’s say it together: Gupta was so 2014.

Anti-establishment political opinions

In 1962, the Students for a Democratic Society argued in the Port Huron Statement that the “social relevance, the accessibility to knowledge and internal openness” of the university make it “a potential base and agency in a movement of social change.” In other words, it’s the perfect place for you and all your friends to get woke as fuck. Disappointed in the rise of centrist liberalism à la Trudeau and Clinton? Rant about it. Angered by that pipeline? Get out your placards and protest the hell out of it. Concerned about the continued prevalence about the free market following the 2008 financial crisis? Overthrow the bourgeois rule and hand the means of production to the workers. Educate your friends about its dangers! You’ll never get a better chance to learn as much as you will in university, so make the most of it before you eventually turn into a sheep.

Confidence

UBC can be an intimidating place, so it’s okay if you’re still struggling to feel comfortable here after the first year. There are over 50,000 students on this campus and you can be sure that a lot of people here feel scared of it too. Just take a deep breath, jump into whatever social situation/job opportunity/cool club you’re curious about and play it cool. Be brave and go out there with a smile — odds are that you’re a likable person! If that sounds like a lot of work, there’s always…

Tequila

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