Here’s a scenario: it’s 2 a.m., you’re on campus with your significant other and then, all of a sudden, you both want to get intimate. If you’re in residence or you have an apartment close by, your situation is easy. However if it’s a 90-minute commute to the nearest bedroom, the two of you are gonna have to find somewhere private if you want to screw. There are some great places on campus to do that as you informed us back in 2014, but there are also some not-so-great places that you might want to avoid. To better your public-indecency experience, let’s review a few of them.

Wreck Beach

This one should be a no-brainer. Not only is Wreck clothing-optional from the get-go, but it’s also got beautiful scenery and a reasonably isolated environment. All of this makes Wreck a great place to shag — but there are some drawbacks. For starters, anybody who’s had sex on a beach before will tell you that sand can quickly turn an exciting experience into an uncomfortable one. It’s also pretty damn cold at Wreck during the winter, while the summer tends to bring large crowds. Ultimately, it’s a great location, but remember to come prepared.

Score: Three old guys with Prince-Albert piercings out of Five

Nitobe Garden

The garden closes its gates after 2 p.m., after which it becomes... secluded. You’ve got to hop over a pretty big wall to get inside, but what better way to find privacy than to hide in an enclosed area?

Score: Four sculpted shrubberies out of Five

Parking garages

Parking garages are excessively open areas with people coming in and out all the time, so you could probably find a more worthwhile place to get caught screwing than in a cold concrete parking garage. Campus security also patrols the area in order to bust anyone with expired parking, so you might want to avoid them.

Score: Two security guards not getting paid enough out of five

The “Magic Forest” beside Totem Park

It’s perhaps more renowned as a stoner hub, but Totem Park’s “Magic Forest” has a notorious reputation among first-years as a primo place to bang. You have to go deep into the forest to truly find privacy, but at least you don’t have to hop over any walls to get in.

Score: Five horny first-years out of five

West Mall Swing Space

There’s plenty of generally empty buildings on campus at night that make for great places to screw and West Mall Swing Space is definitely one of the better ones. Just sneak into one of the empty classrooms on the fourth floor around 7 p.m. and you’ll have the place all to yourselves. Is there a chance of a student or a janitor walking in on you? You bet there is. Are you ever going to see that person again? Probably not, so who cares? Just make sure to keep the lights off.

Score: Four angry janitors out of five

A Car2Go

Pros: they’re warm, portable and they come with a stereo. Cons: there’s not a lot of room and you’re gonna sweat like crazy, but what did you expect? This is car sex, not first-year dorm sex.

Score: Three steamy windows out of five

The Pit bathroom

From one perspective, the idea of having sex in the bathroom of a bar filled with drunk university students grinding on each other to Hotline Bling sounds pretty thrilling. From another, it mostly just sounds uncomfortable.   

Score: One Drake banger out of five

Irving K. Barber

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Nope, that’s even worse. Is anywhere on campus more drained of sex appeal than IKB? At least Koerner has a quiet aura to it that makes it feel bookishly romantic. IKB is all students stressing over midterms and essays. Also, good luck finding somewhere private there. Even the bathrooms in IKB are flooded with studiers.

Score: Zero procrasturbators out of five

The old SUB

Remember this place? These days, the old SUB is pretty deserted, so you could probably find an old office or meeting room to fuck in without anybody storming in on you.  Of course there are some groups who still reside in the old SUB — Blank Vinyl Project, the Aqua Society, Film Sociecy, etc. — but if you can just get around them, you should be okay. The building’s also getting renovated soon, so make the most of this space while you can.

Score: Three nostalgic memories out of five

On top of the engineering cairn

I’m not exactly sure how you’d be able to pull this one off without at least one of you having a sore back the next day, but at least it would give you a story to tell at parties.  

Score: Three sexually frustrated engineering students out of five

Behind the Museum of Anthropology

If you go along the path on the left side of the Museum of Anthropology at night, you’ll wind up in a vaguely-wooded area with beautiful scenery, a nearby pond and absolutely nobody around to watch you have the best outdoor sex of your life.  

Score: Five temperate rain forests out of five

The Ubyssey Office

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Score: Five #guptagates out of five

Note: Always remember that when it comes to sex, consent is absolutely fucking mandatory no matter what. If your partner is drunk or unwilling to engage in sexual activity — that's anything but an enthusiastic “yes” — keep your pants on and go back to studying.

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