In an email to students, faculty and staff, UBC said that it will divest from fossil fuels if “you just chill the fuck out.”
This email, sent at 4:20 PM on Thursday, outlines UBC’s divestment plans and timeline. However, these plans are conditional on whether “you cut us some slack” and “stop being big babies about some little black gold.”
In an interview with The Ubyssey, self-proclaimed dinosaur fart enthusiast and UBC Chief Oil Officer, John Smith, said that the reason they took so long to begin the divestment process was because they had no idea what that word even meant.
“Divestment is such a hard word,” said Smith. “It’s so stupid and totally unfair that everyone is mad at us for not knowing the word. I’m not a dictionary. I’m a white guy.”
Smith, at times committed to “divestment” pronounced as “de-vestment” in his interview with The Ubyssey. When asked to clarify his pronunciation, Smith outlined that it is a term that is for when someone takes their vest off, and that he was trying to pull a fast one on us.
UBC’s statement outlines that they cannot be held responsible or be reprimanded for investing in fossil fuels in the first place because of all the “totally really good things” that the school has done, like building a bus loop, providing employment to wildlife in food service and being the 37th best research university in the world.
Community members express willingness to cut varying amounts of slack.
Dr. Reale Dead, a mortuary sciences professor at UBC, said that they stand by the university’s statement.
“How is UBC supposed to combat climate change if everyone is so heated about it,” said the professor gunning for tenure. “UBC, my employer, is totally in the right and they should not be punished for liking oil. They’re my employer and they’re in the right. They’re morally sound and my employer and I love them very much and they pay me and I love them.”
UBC’s plan for divestment includes changing the school colours to green because “green is an environmentally friendly colour, I think,” and “engineering a completely different controversy so people forget about this one. Maybe we’ll start deforesting Pacific Spirit Park.”
Printina Moremoney, a public affairs specialist and recent Bachelor of International Economics (BIE) grad, said that UBC is using the calls for divestment as a publicity stunt.
“If everyone is going to bitch and moan about fossil fuels, of course UBC will keep investing in them. They’re stupid but not that stupid,” said Moremoney. “It’s a PR move. All publicity is good publicity. Also, did you know that the BIE acceptance rate is 4%?”
With 10/7 students wanting UBC to divest, the university had some choice words for them in their statement.
“You can cry all you want but I’m going to Alberta-fy this bitch and make oil the main shit at the school if you guys don’t shut up,” said UBC. “Also fuck you guys, tuition is going up again this year.”
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.
Update: Dr. Reale Dead became a tenured professor soon after this article was published.
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