On December 5, the UBC Board of Governors protestees — those who protest is done upon — met to vote on increasing student tuition again.
The Board meeting was joined by a large number of student protesters demanding a halt to tuition increases. Many governors attempted to calm the protest, each in their own quirky and canonically-fitting ways.
Board chair Rumpelstiltskin opened the meeting by thanking the protestors for their attendance, while also reminding all those present why the proposed tuition increases were necessary.
“No amount of installing false monarchs then scamming them out of their trinkets will balance this budget. Believe me I’ve tried,” Rumpelstiltskin said. “What, you think we can just weave gold from straw?”
Governor Scrooge McDuck echoed the chair’s concerns. “Quack!” he said.
The Board meeting was also met with scrutiny by student activists after the governors were served cake — French Revolution style. (Editor’s note: This is real. This actually happened.)
“How could it be in bad taste if the cake is so delicious?” said Governor Marie Antoinette.
Surprisingly, this did little to appease the activists’ concerns, so Antoinette sat back down on her red velvet seat to continue feasting on her red velvet cake.
Rumpelstiltskin turned to Governor Macbeth for relief because of his concern that the discontent of the protestors was growing, according to an anonymous governor. Macbeth assured the chair that he came bearing the power of prophecy as a guard.
Some activists overheard Macbeth mumbling that “all would be fine, so long as the trees themself stayed in the ground.” His expression notably turned from arrogance to fear when more student activists arrived with enough paper signs and banners to qualify as a forest.
Hoping to hear more persuasive arguments in favour of the tuition increase, Rumpelstiltskin then called on Governor and Tsar Nicholas II to speak. Worried that the Board instead needed a miracle worker, he deferred to his trusted healer and fellow governor, Grigori Rasputin.
Rasputin spoke for several minutes, but he too was unable to connect with the activists despite doing his little dance.
“I tried everything, even my silly little dance. They normally love the silly little dance!” Rasputin said.
According to insider information, Rasputin would later say in an overheard conversation with Nicholas II: “My healing words fell on deaf ears. Regrettably the healing of emptying wallets is not in my wheelhouse.”
With no improving morale in sight, Rumpelstiltskin moved to vote on the tuition increase. The vote passed by a large margin, at which point Rumpelstiltskin grabbed the bags of freshly-collected student gold and scurried back into his forest. Until next year at least.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.
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