Riding transit in Vancouver is pretty simple if you use common sense. Everything pretty much comes down to the Golden Rule: do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. If you'd rather someone not spill artisanal baconnaise on your shoes, maybe you should leave your weird sandwich at home.
Ever get dirty looks on transit? Next time you ride the bus, ask yourself a few of these questions to determine whether or not you're being an asshole.
Are you blocking the doors?
People need to get on. If you’re blocking their way — unless you physically can't move — you're being an asshole.
Are you wearing your backpack?
If there's no one around you, no big deal. But if you're standing on a crowded bus, your backpack is taking up the space of a whole other person behind you. Take it off.
Are you sitting in the courtesy seats?
If yes, do you need to be? If you don't, odds are you're being an asshole. It should be noted that not everyone who has a disability looks like they have a disability, so don't assume someone's an asshole just because they don’t “look” like they should be there.
Are you playing loud music?
Earbuds playing at a high enough volume are a universal asshole alarm.
Are you manspreading?
Yes, it's a real thing. No, your nuts are not an excuse. Speaking as someone who has nuts, there's nothing worse than a lazy-legged ape splaying all over my seat. Note: manspreading isn't 100 per cent exclusive to men. If your legs are open wider than they need to be and are invading the seats beside you, you're being an asshole.
Are you eating or drinking?
You’re a clumsy little shit and you’ll make someone very sad when you spill Slurpee on their loafers.
Are you drunk?
That in itself is fine — get yourself home safely. Just please don't be that group of drunk people. You know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're still confused or harbour any ambiguities about that group, please consult the illustration of this article.
Are you talking to strangers?
I don’t care how much you’re enjoying the cherry blossoms, I just want to go home. This goes double if I have headphones on.
Are you talking on your phone?
It’s generally acceptable to talk on your phone at a volume of which you’d talk to someone next to you. If it gets louder than that, you’re being an asshole.
Are you pestering the driver?
Asking them a straightforward question — okay. Rambling about your kids — not chill. Not only are you being annoying, this person is currently operating a pretty fucking huge motor vehicle with dozens of people in it. Don't distract them.
“Please move to the rear of the bus.”
MOVE TO THE FUCKING BACK OF THE BUS. NOT THE BACK DOORS. NOT THE STAIRS. RIGHT TO THE GODDAMN BACK. PLEASE. IT’S NOT THAT HARD. YOU'RE MAKING EVERYONE'S LIFE A WAKING NIGHTMARE AND NOBODY ON THIS BUS WILL EVER HIRE YOU OR SLEEP WITH YOU OR ENDORSE YOU ON LINKEDIN BECAUSE OF THE HORRIBLE DECISION YOU'RE MAKING. PLEASE MOVE.
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