We get it — you’re in a relationship. And being in a relationship on Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to be acceptably obnoxious without being called out for it by your fellow peers.
It’s bad enough that you can walk past the nauseating heart-shaped displays without wanting to vomit and run to the liquor store, or that you won’t find yourself in the Pit sweatily slobbering all over a stranger in an attempt to fill a pitiless void. But this does not mean that you are allowed to spend your Valentine’s Day being the absolute worst.
Here are some ways to be less awful this Valentine’s Day:
Eyes up front
You have decided to take a class with your significant other and that is so, so great. However, the rest of us aren’t in class to witness your groping session. Save that shit for your room.
No clotheslining on Main Mall
It’s not that you shouldn’t hold hands, but we’re pretty sure that you can get seamlessly from A to B across campus without feeling the need to be conjoined at all times to your significant other. Main Mall is busy enough without you blocking our pathway. Education is all we singletons have, don’t deny us this right by making us late to class.
Don’t buy all the wine at the liquor store
Arguably just as important as Main Mall is direct access to the liquor store. The liquor store has wine and we like wine. Although wine can be romantic, for us it is the perfect beverage to drown our sorrows in. Instead, consider buying champagne. Champagne, the sexier, more celebratory alternative, is the perfect way to celebrate your special day.
Note — other alcoholic beverages to leave us alone with: vodka, tequila, whiskey and rum.
Let me browse Instagram in peace
Part of being in a healthy, happy relationship is the ability to rub it in everybody else's faces and there is no better place to do that than on your Instagram account. Yes, we have already had the pleasure of seeing all of your best moments, your matching Halloween couple’s costume and your candidly sporadic coffee dates, but that does not in any way mean we need a play-by-play of your entire Valentine’s Day.
Do us all a favour and cap your Instagram story to two photos.
Chill with the big romantic public gestures where everyone else just wants to eat
Serenades are awkward for everyone involved — the serenader, the serenaded and everyone who has the painful misfortune of having to watch. No one knows whether they are meant to clap along and if they do it always ends up being forced and offbeat. Save your singing for the shower and let us all eat our feelings in peace.
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