Valentine's Day has come and gone, and you've just started digging into the oh so thoughtful chocolates your partner gave you. How romantic!
Yeah, that’d be nice, wouldn’t it? If only your partner hadn’t bought you gross, chalky chocolate. But don’t worry — here are 11 places to hide that disgusting chocolate to pretend you ate it. Let’s dig in!
Office of the prof you dislike
I don’t think a single person has ever gone there.
Beaty Biodiversity Museum
I don’t think a single person has ever gone there.
That weird bunker with the curtains in the forest by the clock tower
I don’t know who goes there, but maybe this is a good time to find out? Your partner probably won’t stumble upon the chocolate here, but to be honest we mostly just want to know what’s going on with the bunker.
Chem building basement
As some of the chemicals in the gross chocolate are likely banned, illegal and not safe for human consumption, the chem department might want them for whatever they do.
Manhole at 49°15'53.7"N 123°15'21.2"W outside Ponderosa Annex C
First, dissolve the chocolate in acid. Then, after making sure there are no witnesses, pour the remains down the aforementioned manhole. The surrounding shrubbery should give you sufficient cover. Be sure to wear gloves (preferably disposable) during this entire process as to not leave any fingerprints or DNA evidence, then dispose of the gloves off campus. Do this in the dead of night while wearing oversized clothes to avoid detection. There are security cameras along the route — be sure to not look toward them, and minimize any habitual mannerisms in your gait. Don’t bus or drive to/from campus — those can be tracked. Remember to fix the manhole cover back in place once you’re done.
Under the Cairn
Who’s gonna look under there? It’s way too heavy!
Old Pie R Squared location in the Nest
"Blue Chip is moving there soon, for real this time"? Yeah, right.
Manhole at 49°15'55.4"N 123°15'28.7"W, outside Vanier entrance
This manhole doesn’t offer the seclusion or panache of the previous manhole, but it’s still a solid chocolate hiding spot in a pinch.
Psychology Building Air Intake
Epistemologically speaking, how would your partner even know if they saw the chocolate? And isn’t it ethical for you to do whatever you want with the chocolate anyway? It was given to you! As Plato said…
Manhole at 49°16'10.5"N 123°15'26.1"W, corner of Marine Drive and MOA entrance
This one isn’t here as a suggestion. Just know that I’ve already called it, so hands off.
Open Kitchen fridge
Rats, shitty chocolate, who cares! It’s Open Kitchen.
Well, that was fun! We at The Ubyssey hope this little guide is of some help to you and yours this Valentine season. Happy Valentine’s Day!
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