Ha-roscope: October edition

As I pondered the night sky while listening to classical music and thinking about big words, I came to my fourth groundbreaking realization of the day: people can’t trust astrology to dictate their lives or give any kind of carefully considered advice.

Why? Because stars are old.

Everything they tell us is out of date — the dinosaurs read their horoscopes with the same sky, meaning we get their years-old lizard fortunes. But without astrology, how are we going to make any choices at all? Personal agency? No thank you!

Instead, I found solace in a 20-sided die. I rolled a number for each sign and interpreted the numbers to keep myself from falling asleep on the R4.

Aries

The number is 11. It’s giving Stranger Things. It’s giving almost 12. From this, I think you’re in a period of metamorphosis, nearing your end goal. Or you can move things with your mind. One of those.

Taurus

There’s a One Direction song called “18.” The first lyric is, “I got a heart and I got a soul,” which leads me to believe that you got a heart and you got a soul. Both will be put to the test in the coming days, and everyone else in the room can see it. Everyone else but you-ou.

Gemini

You’re doing gr-eight. Keep up the good work. Just remember not to lay on your side, lest you wish to stay there forever.

Cancer

Ten. Ten has two letters in common with the word tin. The melting point of tin is 449.47°F, which is the temperature your roommate will try to set your oven to later while making pizza, not realizing that your oven operates in Celsius. What I’m trying to say is that your future is crispy.

Leo

Number 17. There’s going to be a big dance-heavy event coming up for you, so start choreographing now. If you get stuck, the macarena never gets old, much like the dancing queen, who is notoriously young and sweet.

Virgo

A baker’s dozen for you, Virgo. Thirteen is sometimes considered unlucky, but I foresee that it will bring you the most joyous joys, the most staggering triumphs. And by that, I mean one more baked good than usual.

Libra

You rolled a 20, which I interpret as a newfound sense of clarity. Like 20/20 vision vibes. Maybe that means perceptiveness, maybe that means X-Ray vision. Who am I to say?

Scorpio

Seven, like the deadly sins, all of which you will experience in the next seven hours. Prepare yourself.

Sagittarius

Six is the number of wives King Henry VIII had, as well as the name of their West-End-to-Broadway musical. With that, I see some incredibly dysfunctional marital relations.

Capricorn

Fifteen is a nice number, in my opinion. Therefore, if you are nice in the coming days, my opinion of you will be good. If you are not nice, something bad may happen (I might think you’re not nice).

Aquarius

Two. Too. To. Tutu. Tout, if you love a good baguette. For such a plenitudinous number, I see a month that reflects this big word. Expect a pair of shoes, a pair of scissors, a pear.

Pisces

Great timing, Pisces. As the 12th sign, you rolled a 12. I think this means that everything is falling into place for you. Wait — 12 inches is a foot. Nevermind, freak.