At last! I’ve graduated! I’m Free!
And I have immediately forgotten all the trauma UBC inflicted on me.
Oh how I miss the sunset from Wreck Beach! How I miss my friends! How I miss Koerner Library and the 20 construction cranes that saluted me on my way to class!
I have tried many things to resolve my depthless yearning, even asking Cat GPT “how do I resolve my depthless yearning?” But after being met with nothing but a wall of “meows,” I decided to fix my two century — uh, I mean month — UBC sobriety sadness by writing a blog article instead.
First floor MacMillan Bathroom stalls
It was cramped. It was dark and damp. Yes, despite the darkness and dampness, I still could see the slight yellow tinge of its toilets, walls and ceiling.
No other place at UBC has inspired and educated me more.
“Watch the Biggest Little Farm!” said one graffitied panel. “It’s on netflix!” read its footnote. On the toilet paper dispenser to the right was the URL of a biodegradable sanitary pad company.
All I needed to do to be an ethical, climate informed, B.Sc. student was take a five-minute dump in that bathroom. In the span of a school year, I took about fifty — enough to offset my steeply priced LFS student fees!
The bubble
As my GRSJ prof once said, ignorance is bliss. UBC was the perfect bubble of ignorance.
The real world didn’t exist! I could bury my head in a pile of textbooks and ignore climate change, poverty, inequity and injustice. Who needs global crises when you’re in a nonstop death spiral of your own!
Whoops. Sorry, I forgot I’m writing a blog piece and not my angsty diary. Silly me.
Sauder students
Remember that oh-so-sweet time when people thought the most toxic people in the world were in Sauder?
HA. Sauder students are nothing compared to the mean streets of life, and the even meaner streets of my local coffee shop.
You want sugar in your London Fog? my barista hisses at me.
Yes, I hiss back. (If there is anything Real-Lifeville has taught me, it’s that you fight attitude with attitude.)
I shove by a crowd of millennials with my head down; Millennials that make Sauder kids look like gerbils wearing little Halloween costumes. I miss my Sauder gerbils.
Main Mall … Maintenance
Have you ever met anyone who didn’t love Main Mall? The oak trees lining both sides. The ocean and mountains in the distance. The fountain filled with bubbles and the occasional goose.
But all of it pales in comparison to the Kubota RTV-X900. It serenaded me as it approached with that song of diesel and horsepower. Without even a single tie wrap or piece of duct tape to hold itself together — more than I could ever say about myself.
Without UBC and its accompanying Kubota boys, how will I ever get motivated to get up and walk to work in the morning?
Ubyssey
What is blue, hard to pronounce and rhymes with pussy (the cat kind)? That’s right! Everyone’s favourite award-winning newspaper!
Please take me back.
Blog is The Ubyssey’s humour section. Don't take us too seriously.
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