A recent UBC Broadcast email announced that students who do not meet the pre-reqs in select courses can register if they have a crush in the class.
This policy isn’t simply in the spirit of mischievously enabling young love (or, more realistically, situationships that last for the two hardest months of the term before painfully and inexplicably fizzling out).
Rather, the relevant knowledge gained in pre-reqs can, in some cases, be substituted by the raw drive to impress somebody in class who’s hot and smart and funny and nice.
“I have seen many otherwise under-qualified students excel in my Engineering Ancient Aqueducts (AQUA 405) course simply due to the presence of peers they romanticize,” said Dr. Julius Caesar (no relation).
“The mere possibility of a study date can bring students with no background in the discipline to heights of scholarship usually only seen in honours seminars and YouTube video essays about gladiator swords.”
“Man, I’m a slut for the Roman Empire like just fucking get me near a … wait are you still recording this?”
UBC research shows having a crush in a class boosts attendance by 72 per cent, interest in course material by 50 per cent and participation by 30 per cent.
The participation stat is limited because “some people are shy,” mumbled postdoc Phoebe Bridgerton (some relation), a visiting fellow researching solutions to the psychological impacts of femme4femme yearning.
The Broadcast email specified that the new crush policy is not a loophole to allow tryhards with bad registration times to get into the Quantitative Methods in Quantum Qomputing seminar they need for their competitive internship at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. Faking a crush to get into a course will be classified as academic misconduct and subject to penalty by the UBC Senate.
“And really, you’d only be hurting yourself,” said Vice Provost Matt Chmaker. “Without a genuine crush or the required foundational courses, you’ll join your seminar unprepared and uninspired. Find a little love in your heart for your classmates, or do things normal-style and just take courses in order and die a virgin.”
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