So, you’ve been eyeing your crush for weeks now, hoping they’ll somehow read your mind and ask you out. But guess what? That’s not happening anytime soon. Time to take matters into your own hands. My qualifications? As my friends know very well: I don’t have crushes. I have victims.
Pick-up lines are a lost art. No, I’m not talking about clichés, like “Excuse me, do you have the time?... The time to take my number,” or “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” They sound too unnatural. What you need to do is craft the perfect situation to use them in — I’m telling you, it’s all about context. Get ready to take some notes.
Valentine’s Day is happening as I speak, and if you’re single, here are some guaranteed-to-(maybe)-work openers for you.
“Do you know if there are any workplace policies on dating between coworkers? Or do you just want to find out?”
Everyone knows dating your coworker is always a good idea. Being prone to proximity crushes is a hard life, but this line is sure to get your co-worker to look at you differently. Not necessarily positively, but definitely differently.
“But how do I move from just being a coworker to marriage?” you ask. Well, you’ve opened a dialogue, so keep it going and get to know each other better. But not boring stuff like small talk! Talk about your high school trauma! Or your parents divorce! Get personal! Mention your pet hamster’s tragic death (you can work it into an emotional bonding moment).
“Oh, but what if we break up?” Stop with the doom spiral. What if that’s your soulmate? Your person? What if the A&W hiring manager saw destiny when she looked over your resumes? I have been getting a lot of tarot readings on Instagram Reels recently about workplace romance, and I believe it to be true. But not for me! You go ahead and contact your HR department, I’m good.
“I have an air fryer haha”
Now, you have to make it seem like you’re a catch. Yes, I said seem. Everyone loves air fryers, so this cannot go wrong. My roommate literally got one as a Valentine’s Day gift.
It’s a total conversation starter, and hey, it’s a great way to lure someone into your home in a totally not creepy way. “Oh, you’ve never seen an air fryer in action? You have to come over sometime.”
I’ve also been getting a lot of air fryer recipes in between the tarot readings on Reels, and I think they’re connected.
“Do you come here often?”
The good ol’ meet-cute. Except it’s all very carefully orchestrated. This one’s a cliché, but it will work, trust.
All it takes is determination and borderline delusion. Oh, you noticed this person working at Blue Chip at noon on a Friday once? Go there every Friday from now on. This will work. They already like you back — when they said “Have a good day,” that was not just basic customer service. It was a confession of love, obviously. (Got that from Reels, too.)
Better yet, get a job at Blue Chip. This is an ideal way to create a forced proximity situation. Get weirdly passionate about making beverages, almost so much that you don’t notice the charged sexual tension between you two when you smear cream cheese on bagels next to each other. Get promoted to manager at Blue Chip. Then, owner of Blue Chip. Then, once the circumstances are perfect, use the line, pop the question and invite me to your Blue-Chip-themed wedding. (Does Blue-Chip have HR? Let me know in your invite.)
If none of this works…
It’s okay. Love can take time and…
…What’s that? Why are you on the App Store? Is that an “H” I see? Put that down! Don’t cave in! You know how this ends!
Okay… phew. That would’ve been bad haha. I’m glad you listened. I said: I’M GLAD YOU LISTENED.
Anyways, if you’re still feeling stuck, it’s time to get strategic. Just say the line. Start the conversation. At this point, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Except maybe your dignity. But then again, did you have much to begin with? You did just read this entire article.
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