Week 1
I first saw them outside the BIOL 1000 lecture hall. Slick black hair, plaid-clad, anime style glasses — they were exactly my type. I caught their eye and we simultaneously looked away, blushing. But that brief look into their eyes said everything I needed to know: they were just as ready to fall in love as I was.
It was a busy time in my life, you see. Between summer school, balancing five full time jobs and taking care of my pet lobster, I hardly had time to look in the mirror, much less fall in love.
But love comes when you least expect it, and I knew I had to act fast.
Week 2
As an incredibly cool and interesting person, it is very important to establish whether the opposite party can even match me in coolness and interestingness.
Best rule of thumb? Look at their pins.
I was walking down the hall on my way to class when I saw my mystery lover once again. I gave them a small smile and they returned it. I threw a glance at their backpack (aka the primary place Gen Zs advertise their interests via pin).
It was there. Not just the bare minimum (a unicorn riding a spaceship pin), but even a post-modern dark academia beekeeper pin just like mine! It was a match made in niche heaven.
Week 3
The second step was to find them in the lecture hall and sit a couple rows back at a 45 degree angle for optimal staring. Everyone knows that repeated, unknown and totally-not-creepy staring is the best method for brainwashing. Do it on repeat for several weeks straight and it’s unstoppable.
“Like me, like me, like me, like me,” I would think as I burned telepathic holes into my mysterious lover’s head.
Or, at least, that’s what I planned to do. Unfortunately, I lost my lover by the time I got to the lecture hall and couldn’t find them anywhere. Ugh. What’s the point of having a small, intimate class size of 200 people if you can’t even stare at your crush?
Week 4
When they are clearly somewhere in the room but you can’t see them, the only option is to make them see you.
Sit with great posture to make your head stick out above the others. (A neck brace makes this much easier.)
Ask questions during lecture about things the prof just said. (Or about the weather. Or the architecture of the classroom. Or what they had for lunch. Doesn’t matter, as long as you’re taking up as much of the hour as possible.)
Wear a bright orange feather boa. (A pink one is too basic.)
Whether my lover/crush found me insufferable or not, it didn’t matter. What mattered is that they knew I existed.
Week 5
Four weeks passed with these gimmicks, but no response.
“You know what,” I thought. “I’m so done with this bullshit. I’m asking them out myself.”
As usual, I found them outside the lecture hall. I only had two weeks of class left to secure this love story and I wasn’t going to waste a minute.
“I love you!” I yodeled as I walked toward them from 20 yards away. “Go out with me!”
I couldn’t see their face very clearly because UBC ruined my eyesight (don’t ask), so I got closer and patiently waited for a response.
However, I was met with a blank expression. No small smile, no friendly wave. Heck, they weren’t even wearing their cute anime-style glasses!
I was humiliated. I walked away and so did they.
Week 6
The only thing left to do was to use my closest friend as a free therapist.
“I’m in love with this person,” I told my best friend. “But they never approached me and when I asked them out, they had the audacity to not respond! They just walked away!”
“Really?!” said Best Friend (I can’t use their real name because I don’t see them as a person or anything other than a side character to my life.) “What do they look like?” she asked.
I described my lover. Their cute plaid. Their cute glasses. Their shiny black hair and their collection of pride pins that matched mine exactly. I even took my friend to the place of my lover and I’s brief interactions outside the lecture hall. And just my luck, my lover was there.
My friend looked at me. She looked at my lover. She looked back at me.
Then, very hesitantly, she said, “Um, that’s a window. And that person you see is your reflection.”
Conclusion: Fiercely love yourself (and only yourself)
You know, this isn’t the worst end to a story. There are worse people to have as lovers in this world than yourself. And now, anytime I’m feeling lonely, I can just stare into a mirror and know that someone perfect for me exists.
Of course I failed my summer course because I was too busy thinking about my undying love for myself. Sure, I lost over $500 in course fees. But there is nothing, NOTHING more valuable than learning that the only person that can fill all your requirements in this world is YOU.
Today, I carry a little mirror in my pocket just in case I need to remind myself of what love truly is.
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