I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday. September 11th, 2021 (Perhaps I should note that at the time of my writing this, it actually was yesterday). I was squelching down Main Mall through sheets of vengeful rain, eyes stuck to the ground in a search for worms to rescue from the downpour — just like any other lonely Friday in Raincouver. So focused was I on the task at hand that I didn't even see him on the path ahead.
It was your classic rom-com meet-cute between a human university student and a literal squirrel. We crashed into each other with a soft, fleshy thud that sent all my rescued worms flying through the air. Their little pink bodies mirrored the flush in my cheeks as I caught his chestnut brown eye through the deluge. I apologized profusely for my clumsiness, blaming the clunky soles of my Blundstone’s while wondering whether this was what love-at-first-sight felt like.
Was he my soulmate?
Ever the gentleman, he helped me gather my worms before introducing himself.
“Hi,” he said. “I am a Campus Squirrel.”
“Hi ... ” I said. “I don’t usually say this to people I’ve just met, but do you want to marry me at the University Chapel right now?”
“Uh … I am a Squirrel,” he said.
“I know,” I said.
“I guess I have nothing better to do,” he smiled.
And that was the beginning of our happily ever after. Here’s why I did it:
The Vancouver Housing Market
My husband lives in a comfortable three-bedroom, two-bathroom hollowed-out tree with a view of Neville Scarfe. Can you say the same for your snotty-nosed boyf with the permanently sticky, pube-bespeckled toilet seat? My husband has a bidet and 800 thread count sheets. A BIDET. IN A TREE.
He is childhood friends with the Seagull who lives at the UBC fountain
I didn’t know this until after I married him, but it’s definitely one of the unexpected perks that keeps me in it for the long haul.
The climate crisis
What better way to demonstrate your love and commitment to nature than to marry it?
He is a wonderful chef and caring father
We don’t have any of our own children, but after getting married at the chapel in front of all the worms I had saved, they felt like family. We couldn’t just leave them in the dirt outside the Nest. We brought 103 worms home with us that day, and we have been treating them like our children ever since.
He has a stomach tattoo that says ‘tuum-est’
And it’s hot.
This is a work of satire meant to underscore the desperation of the Vancouver housing market. The events and people it represents are entirely fictional. No writer at The Dingbat or The Ubyssey at large have ever entered into a matrimonial relationship with an animal anywhere on or off campus, except for the time we found out that Tristan Wheeler’s ex-wife was part lizard.
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