For many, the night is a time of escape and peace, but for the majority of my life, it’s been one of my worst enemies.
As a kid, I believed that if I let my eyes shut, I’d awake to everyone gone.
There was this dread that would bubble in my throat along with a queasiness in my stomach. The anxiety would make me nauseous and wane my focus. The thoughts consumed my mind and left me jittery and restless.
My dad didn’t live with us and only visited a few times a year. The last days of his stay always felt like torture. Each time he came, I would allow myself to get used to his presence instead of treating it for what it really was: an anomaly.
I have one memory where my little sister and I are laying in bed with him. We’re tucked on either side of him and Go, Diego, Go! is playing on the TV. With my sister fast asleep, my father tries to soothe me to sleep, too.
I fought so fucking hard to stay awake because I knew he’d be gone in the morning. But that didn’t matter, because my body was working against my mind and eventually I fell asleep. He would be gone for months.
This fear of the night ending seeped into my routines with others as well. Sometimes when I couldn’t bear to sleep alone, I would wiggle into my mom’s bed and the same dread hovered over me when she had to leave for early morning shifts at the 911 call centre. I’d wake up while she was getting ready and watch the clock, willing it to stop ticking onward.
Eventually she’d come to kiss me goodbye and tell me to go back to sleep, but I rarely could. More often than not, my grandparents — who were waking up for morning prayers — would find me at 6 a.m. watching Looney Tunes to keep me company.
I couldn’t tell you why I was so afraid of my mom leaving. I knew she’d be back in the evening, and that always proved true. But the thought of the two of us being forced apart sent me into a nervous frenzy.
As I’ve gotten older, it’s been slightly easier to say bye to my dad, even as the periods apart get longer. And I don’t feel fear when my mom goes to work anymore.
Technology has played a small part in this. I can now call my dad whenever I like and my mom texts me when she gets home later than usual. Put simply, I have just gotten used to this routine and the absence of some people in my life.
But the dread never fully went away. It’s just been transferred to other people.
Whenever I’m with my girlfriend, I will stay up into the ungodly hours of the night, even if I have to wake up early the next morning. Although we’re usually talking about nothing, I would rather stay up with her than risk falling asleep and having time slip away from me.
I’m being dramatic, I know. I’ll see her in a few days. But that knowledge doesn’t stop me from feeling like a truck has hit me when I hear my alarm go off.
If I could beg the night to stay, I would. If only it would listen to me so I could make up for all the time I’ve spent away from the people I love.
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