She’s a Lamb! by UBC alumna Meredith Hambrock explores the fine line between ambition and obsession. The novel follows Jessamyn St. Germain, a young aspiring actress with a passion for musical theatre who’s willing to sacrifice everything, including her health, dignity and sanity, for a standing ovation.
“I think you do have to be a little bit delusional to complete anything or to put yourself out there — you have to really not worry about the truth of what might happen,” said Hambrock in an interview with The Ubyssey.
While auditioning for the lead role of Maria Von Trapp in a production of The Sound of Music, Jessamyn instead gets an offer to mind the child actors. Renée, her singing coach, subtly proposes that perhaps she’s meant to be nearby for a reason.
“Think about it. It really does mirror Maria’s journey, keeps you close to the children, has you at the show every night. It’s almost as if she’s casting you as the understudy without casting you, you know?” she tells Jessamyn.
Clouded by her vanity and knowing that the production company can’t afford an official understudy, she is easily convinced by Renée. Jessamyn believes it must be an unspoken agreement that she will step up if the actress casted as Maria does fail.
The start of the story reads almost as satire, following a snobbish actress as she’s forced to babysit children on set while watching her rival play her dream role day after day. As the production unfolds, Hambrock reels you in as the plot gradually transforms into a psychological horror as Jessamyn’s desperation peaks, ultimately driving her mad. Hambrock builds tension, mirroring a theatrical performance — I found it hard to put the book down once her ambition quickly mutated into something more ruthless, and gruesome, as she descended deeper into her delusions of grandeur.
“This is almost like a horror story about not knowing … how scary it can be to put yourself out there and the level of almost balancing delusion and reality and how easy it is to get lost,” Hambrock said. “If you’re super realistic about yourself and your own talent as an artist, you might never take risks.”
While Jessamyn has landed the odd commercial here and there, she believes her window of opportunity is closing. In her late 20s, she sees her age as a death sentence for an aspiring actress.
In these moments, I sympathized with Jessamyn. As women, I find we are our own worst critics.
“What sort of female performer builds a career in her late twenties? In her thirties? You know it’s not true. As much as we all want to pretend it isn’t, it is. I’m too old. And I’m not getting anywhere,” Jessamyn said to a cast member.
Beyond her struggles at work, Jessamyn is haunted by her own father’s disapproval, who looks down on her career choice, only exacerbating her lack of self-confidence. She sees playing Maria as her last chance to prove her worth. With this shame looming over her, she finds herself trading her self-worth in return for the inconsistent approval of men, letting their validation define her as an actress.
“She wanted to step forward as this ideal woman. She wanted to be desired by everybody. To do something creatively, and doing it for outside reasons, is maybe something that will drive you a little over the edge and make you behave [in] an unhinged way,” Hambrock said.
When I first met Jessamyn, I thought she was insufferable — head held high with a chilling detachment to others and the world around her. She seemed to care for no one but herself, obsessed only with her own desires. To be Maria. I found myself rolling my eyes at her snarky comments, dismissing her as selfish. But as showtime grew closer and closer, I began to pity her. Perhaps it was the way she twisted the truth into one that fit her narrative, or how I started to see her quiet desperation grow loud and impossible to ignore, underlining how fierce, yet equally fragile she was.
Hambrock recalls a story familiar to many, illustrating the vulnerabilities of young, aspiring actresses navigating an industry where many are left taken advantage of.
“I think it’s a not so subtle negotiation with patriarchy as well,” Hambrock said. “[It’s] exploring the relationship between what drives you to make stuff and to live as an artist.”
“I truly believe that there are a lot of stories like hers out there that we just haven’t heard.”
In the absence of meaningful female relationships, Jessamyn has a unique connection with Renée, and the two bond over their shared love for the arts. Jessamyn continuously rushes back to Renée’s house throughout the story, securing another singing lesson in exchange for a safe place to indulge in her passion, reminding herself each time that someday it will all be worth it.
Jessamyn’s story is a tragedy, not just because she loses everything, but because no one is there to save her as she unravels. She’s a Lamb! serves as a cautionary tale about the cost of giving up everything, including oneself simply to be seen, offering a poignant commentary on some of the realities of being a young female performer.
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