These days, it seems like the phrase “photos or it didn’t happen” can apply to just about any daily banality – getting dressed, eating or going for a walk. All of these activities and more can be documented in amateurish, pixelated glory with a shaky tap of a finger on a smartphone screen. But Instagram wouldn’t be Instagram if we were satisfied with darkly-lit, blurry photos of sunsets. The ranks of the cultural elite – the Instagram famous – spend hours each day cultivating their aesthetic. Don’t have the time for that? Here’s how to live an Instagrammable lifestyle instead so that any given moment of your life can be captured in square format, like-generating splendour.
- Obtain a pet. Depending on your desired aesthetic, you might consider a majestic rare-breed dog or a cat who lounges on things that you happen to want to show off. Or you could court likes by joining the many communities of pet owners with a well-placed #iguanasofinstagram. Even if you’re not doing anything interesting, you’ve got a guaranteed photo subject 24/7.
- Only buy weathered, used furniture or furniture that’s not really supposed to be furniture like driftwood that’s been “reclaimed” into a highly uncomfortable bench. The only exception is your countertops — these should be the highest quality, darkest grey you can find and they should practically absorb light so that anything you photograph upon them looks like a Renaissance-style portrait.
- Take up an obscure hobby. Preferably one with janky tools and equipment or, even better, something that’s been outdated for at least half a century. Photograph the tools laid out neatly on your gnarled wood dining room table and you’re good to go. Bonus points: you’ll probably only be able to find the equipment at a thrift store or flea market – voila! More photo subjects.
- Only eat things that can be artistically splayed onto artisanal toast. Sorry, oatmeal is now out of the question unless you can scatter the ingredients onto a board in natural light.
- Develop nice handwriting. A messy, but still-legible, scrawl will do.
- Swap all the lightbulbs in your home with tinted bulbs so that photos are pre-filtered. Bonus: you can still hashtag #nofilter and this time it’ll be TRUE.
- Make a habit of arranging all things into neat rows or repetitive patterns. Now photograph the things. Goooood.
If all else fails, hire a professional photographer and/or branding agency to follow you around at all times. If it comes to this, what can you do? It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.
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