April 1, 2017

I’m boycotting Mercante until they rename their pizzas in English

I am a valued member of this community — by which I mean I sometimes walk my dog on campus — and I will be boycotting Mercante until they change their ridiculous and discriminatory pizza-naming practices.

Sruthless and Susie Saylor

April 1, 2017

Every time The Talon publishes an article I feel like less of a man

Listen, I’m a red-blooded alpha male like you. I like hot dogs and hamburgers and telling women they should smile more. So why on earth does it make my skin crawl and my really big huge penis feel shame whenever I come across a new article?

Taargus Taargus

April 1, 2017

UBC Needs Feminism approval process oppressive, says literal Nazi

The UBC Needs Feminism Facebook group is facing criticism from actual Nazi Joseph Kantz, who says he is oppressed by its approval process. The group has only allowed posts from approved submitters since early 2017.

Taargus Taargus

April 1, 2017

Breitbarf's recipe section

Here at Breitbarf, we believe that every growing young alt-right boy should have the tools he needs to succeed in life. That's why we've compiled a list of our favourite no-fuss recipes for you to scream at your mom to make you.

Taargus Taargus

April 1, 2017

Top 5 Ayn Rand quotes to tattoo on your neck

“For a woman to seek or desire the presidency is, in fact, so terrible a prospect of spiritual self-immolation that the woman who would seek it is psychologically unworthy of the job.” – your next really good decision.

Barry Johnson

April 1, 2017

Trump not racist, says man whose Halloween costume was “lazy Mexican”

Second-year engineer Mickey McGuire defended US President Donald Trump against allegations of racism. “The guy’s been criminally misunderstood,” said McGuire, a 19-year-old white man who went as “Pedro the lazy Mexican” for Halloween.

Soh Leberitarian

April 1, 2017

GRSJ faces pressure from Scott, Tim to add meninist perspectives class

A petition calling for the creation of Gender, Race, Sexuality and Justice (GRSJ) male-focused courses has received 50 signatures from upset 19 year-olds who can't get laid. “I find myself under-represented in the world as a straight white man."

Xanax Noogiyen

April 1, 2017

I will defend free speech until my death as long as it’s about men’s rights or video games

It’s important for everyone’s voices to be heard — that’s why I will defend literally every person’s right to freedom of speech as long as their speech relates to the men’s rights movement or video games.

Dirk Trangus

April 1, 2017

Homeless forestry student evicted from Irving

In an outcome that surprised nobody, Alan Grant, the smelly, jobless hippy, was evicted from Irving after multiple noise, sanitation and safety complaints were made by me, and presumably others as well.

Barry Johnson

April 1, 2017

White man heroically steps in to save students from having to choose between four white men

This morning, student Allen Cairnholz officially entered the presidential race, making this year’s Almost Matters Society election one of the most thrilling yet. “The student body just wasn’t happy with our presidential choices,” said Cairnholz.

Joolia Charredmeat

April 1, 2017

Satan in the living room: TV shows that are brainwashing your kids

Last Wednesday night I decided to take my children, Kaycelynn and McGavyn, to see a film for some clean family fun. What I didn’t expect was a once family-friendly company such as Dinsey to be shoving the gay agenda down my children’s throats.

Karen, a concerned suburban mother

April 1, 2017

The Ubyssey is fake news

As well, in a letter saying that the new pool gave her a rash, another writer claimed that swimming is a great way to reduce stress. Swimming is really stressful and terrible and you can’t breath because of all the water. I don’t know how to swim.

Danny Goodtimes

April 1, 2017

‘It needs space to breathe,’ says man with eensy teensy penis

We’ve all seen it. So-called “feminists for equality” thoughtlessly shaming men for taking up the space they so desperately need. But no one knows the pain of being shamed more than Richard "Acorn" Ismol.

Brandon from Accounting

April 1, 2017

Losing an argument? Try memes

There are a limited number of options to diffuse a Facebook comment war before screenshots are found by members of UBC Needs Feminism. Many of them have already rejected you on Tinder, and you don’t know how much more ridicule you can take.

Moistra Wetton

April 1, 2017

I deserve a room to voice my opinions free of liberal criticism

Don’t get me wrong — this isn’t a “safe space.” I hate those. This would just be a space that is safe for people like me to talk about issues that are important to me without the hassle of having to explain them to people who don’t share my views.

Ding Dong Derrick