I’ve been hearing rumours of a place called SFU. I don’t know what that means but I’m sure they’re doing their best.
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Everyone likes doggos, even destitute students! If you’re feeling fuzzy, tweet a picture of your beautiful dog Fido. The kids will eat that shit up — and the more doggo pics you send out, the more likely people will forget that you caved to alumni donors who threatened to stop their donations after you disinvited a speaker accused of abusing multiple Indigenous children.
Guest Globe and Mail reporter Andy Roo was kind enough to take time away from quote-tweeting Jardon Porterson to pen a gleefully sycophantic fluff piece on one of the most powerful people in the country.
Just try it one day. Whip out that 200-year-old piece of gnarled, well-fingered wood — ha ha, hey, not that one! You’ll be surprised at the raw, sexual dynamism of the favoured instrument of people whose hands are too meaty for the violin.
It’s hard to keep up that up over the years of stress and unaddressed faults in your institution, so I’ve compiled a list of procedures to keep you looking tight and Insta-ready!
Ethics and moral principle fly out the window in the funnest way when you’re strapped for cash. Imagine how invaluable you’d be to the students of your course when you shamefully hand over the answer to the only thing that you’ve ever loved.
Unless it’s got the word donor in front of it, things like “mental wellbeing,” “long-overdue” and “no I don’t want to hear another TED Talk” start to sound like complete gibberish.
Getting dressed in the morning for a long day of busking in the TrySkain, schmoozing with donors and paying lip service to institutional racism against Indigenous people at UBC requires a level of versatility that only a bowtie can provide.
Here’s our annual list of gifts that Oh-No thinks are just great!
“This is a beautiful story for people of all ages with a beautiful moral: if you just hang around long enough, good things will happen to you.”
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